The 38 Types Of Bitches Girls Can Be


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Every girl is a bitch at some point or another. It’s not our fault, though. There’s usually a dumb boy, lack of food, or something else vibrantly annoying causing our temper to rise. Here are some examples.

  1. Hangry bitch.
    Just pick a place to eat. It’s not that hard, people.
  2. Sleep-deprived bitch.
    Leave me alone. I haven’t slept in weeks.
  3. Sex-deprived bitch.
    Leave me alone. I lost my vibrator.
  4. Just-failed-my-final bitch.
    Fuck all you honor roll people who will be successful someday. Strip pole classes would be a better investment than this college.
  5. Just-got-off-the-phone-with-my-mother bitch.
    Apparently, I need to go through her instead of dad for money now.
  6. My-boyfriend-didn’t-text-me-back bitch.
    Boys night, hmm?
  7. Waiting-in-any-variant-of-a-line bitch.
    This is it. This is how I die. Standing in this godforsaken line.
  8. Didn’t-have-my-coffee-yet-bitch.
    But first coffee. Or I’ll punch you in the face.
  9. I-broke-some-sort-of-electronic-device-and-my-parents-are-going-to-kill-me bitch.
  10. My-boyfriend-gave-me-granny-pajamas-for-Christmas bitch.
    Is something medically wrong with you?
  11. My-pants-don’t-fit-today bitch.
    Sweatpants are all that fit me right now.
  12. I-ran-out-of-clean-underwear bitch.
    Dammit, now I have to do laundry.
  13. I-can’t-believe-I-paid-to-see-this-movie bitch.
    Can’t Trainwreck just stay in theaters forever?
  14. No-New-Year’s-Eve-kiss bitch.
    Hi, God. Why do you hate me?
  15. No-Valentine’s-Day-date bitch.
    Again, what do you have against me?
  16. I-don’t-have-a-boyfriend-and-I’m-surrounded-by-relationships bitch.
    I’m SO happy for you two!
  17. I-have-a-boyfriend-but-all-my-friends-are-single bitch.
    Girls night isn’t ruined! (I just have to leave in 10ish minutes and miss out on everything fun about being a young, twenty-something female. NBD.)
  18. Just-got-my-period-bitch.
    Why did I choose today of all days to wear WHITE pants?
  19. I-don’t-have-my-period-but-you-think-I-got-my-period-just-because-I’m-being-a-bitch bitch.
    Do you have your period?
  20. Some-girl-is-trying-to-talk-to-my-boyfriend-at-the-party bitch.
    Heyyyyy! Oh, you went to high school together? So cute!
  21. My-boyfriend-doesn’t-understand-why-I’m-so-upset bitch. 
    He knows what he did. Oh, he knows.
  22. Just-broke-up-with-my-dumbass-boyfriend bitch.
    Why is everyone happy but me?
  23. Late-for-something bitch.
    Move. I need to straighten my hair, like, yesterday.
  24. This-party-is-lame bitch.
    Let’s go. This place is dumb.
  25. The-food-I-ordered-is-wrong bitch.
    I said scallops and you gave me chicken. CHICKEN.
  26. My-best-friend-has-a-new-best-friend bitch.
    Does what we have mean NOTHING to you?
  27. I’m-fighting-with-my-roommate bitch.
    *gives silent treatment*
  28. The-Victoria’s-Secret-fashion-show-is-airing-tonight bitch.
    Why can’t I be perfect, too?
  29. I’m-stressed-out-of-my-mind bitch.
    I have a million things due, a major event coming up, and my face is breaking out. Someone just shoot me.
  30. My-spin-class-instructor-yelled-at-me bitch.
    No. Sorry. I actually can’t “keep it up.” So, bye.
  31. I-have-a-gluten-allergy bitch.
    So, like, is there anything on this menu I can eat? Or no?
  32. It’s-raining/snowing/hot/cold bitch.
    I’m moving to California.
  33. Recruitment-week bitch.
    This is only trumped by being the recruitment chair. Look out that crazy mofo.
  34. Spring-break-is-almost-here-and-I’m-still-fat bitch.
    Great, I’m paying to look like a beached whale for a week.
  35. Formal-is-coming-up-and-I still-don’t-have-a-date bitch.
    I go through all the effort to have a boyfriend and he can’t even make it to this one event. Can’t coach just move the game to next Saturday?
  36. I -have-a-date-but-he-sucks bitch.
    I’ve only known you for five seconds and this night has already been too long for me to bear.
  37. Everyone-sucks bitch.
  38. Plain-old bitch.
    All of the above. All of the time.

Life is so hard.

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Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to

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