The “How Cute Are You Dressing” Chair
With every plan comes the stress about an outfit, and with every stress about an outfit comes the, “how cute are you dressing” text. You’re going to the same bar you do every night, you’ll see the same people you see every night, and you’ll probably talk to the same boy you talk to every night. But for whatever reason, we still find it incredibly important to double check what the rest of our friends are wearing. God forbid you wear jeans on a night when everyone else wears a romper. This chair is essential for deciding once and for all, what type of night it is. If she says jeans and wedges, jeans and wedges it is. If she says romper or dress, then romp around we shall.
The Cross-Reference Chair
Greek life seemed so big when you first joined. So many girls to get lunch with, faces to recognize, and *~cOlLeGe BoYsSsS~* to meet. So, why by junior year does it seem like everywhere you turn there’s a boy you never want to see again, a sister’s ex, or an annoying stalker? And worst of all, WHY is he at your formal? This chair will eliminate the crying in the bathroom, glaring side-eyes from across the room, and passive-aggressive “look at me I’m having so much more fun anyways” dancing, as her job is to make sure he’s not at the formal in the first place. By cross-referencing everyone’s dates and giving a hard “no” to the girl who wants to bring your ex, this chair is literally saving lives. Well, drunken fights and tears, anyways. #TheHeroWeDeserve
The Chair To Reassure You It’s An Acceptable Time To Start Drinking
“It’s a beautiful Thursday morning,” you think to yourself as you pour your coffee and check the clock. 10 a.m. Perfect. Only eight hours until it’s acceptable to start drinking. But can you really go eight hours? You suffer through the day like a recovering alcoholic, reassuring yourself you can go one more hour without a drink. By 4 p.m. though, you’re exhausted. You got all (okay, most) most of your work done and by the time you start getting ready and finding an outfit, you’re already be behind on your pregame. This is when you call this chair up and ask if it would really be that bad to just start drinking now. And like any good friend, her answer will be, “OMG of course not,” which is wonderful, because you’re already pouring yourself a glass.
The Hair And Makeup Chair
There are many things I’m jealous of when it comes to celebrities. However, limo rides, Grammy tickets, and massive mansions aside, there’s really only one thing I want most: to finish my shower, get in a fluffy white robe, and sit in a plush, comfy chair while someone does my hair and makeup. This chair would basically be that person, but minus the fluffy white robe and plush, comfy chair because I am not famous(yet). I can only imagine the spike in happiness levels as the stress of getting the perfect winged eyeliner and highlighted cheekbones is taken out of the getting ready process and left to the professionals.
The Morning Chauffeur Chair
Oops, you did it again. You woke up in a boy’s bed and all you see to your left are your heels and the skirt you wore out last night. Lucky for you, though, you’re not alone. On an average Saturday morning, 30 percent of your chapter is in the same boat. And lucky for that 30 percent, the Morning Chauffeur chair is already on her way with yoga pants, a sweatshirt, and a bagel. Gone are your morning regrets and shame as you anticipate the awful walk back to your dorm or apartment in your clothes from last night. You can now walk back dressed in pride and your own clothes, as you fake to class-goers that you were just out for a morning stroll to get a bagel. This is what dreams are made of..