The 5 Types of Snapchats

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SnapChat

With the invention of Snapchat, sexting was supposedly taken to the next level. You could finally send inappropriate pictures without the debilitating fear that your totally private photographs would wind up on your favorite fraternity’s listserv. Unfortunately, a Snapchat to the wrong gentleman caller is about as private as a naked ad in your school’s newspaper. Actually, that might be safer. No one actually reads the school paper.

Luckily, Snapchat has been adapted to fit the needs of sorority girls, not fraternity boys. It’s a wonderful outlet to send hideous selfies that are so unattractive you wonder if anyone should ever see that face (and how you’re capable of making it in the first place). It’s also a fabulous way for your frenemies to express and explore their passive aggression in a way that’s reminiscent of middle school cyber bullying. Get it, girls. As Snapchat has grown as an app, there have been more and more different “types” available to us. Let me count the ways…

1. The Selfie
Selfies are appropriate when you’re having an amazing hair day, want to show off your chic new outfit, or just miss a sister that much. They’re totally fine, as long as they aren’t excessive. Snapchat is the only place it’s acceptable to showcase a selfie, which sorority girls understand (unlike the boys of Tinder). In real life, you’re pretty and popular enough to have friends photograph you, but in the comfort of your own home, it’s totally fine to send a picture of yourself making a face that only your big could love. Snapchat has made selfies okay again, which means it’s basically the new Myspace. If you’re having a particularly fabulous face day, you can show it off to everyone in your phone book in a casual, humble brag kind of way.

2. The Family Pack
Family snapchats are my absolute favorite, because I love those little nuggets and wouldn’t mind having a Marauder’s Map to keep up with their whereabouts. Thankfully, Snapchat is taking stalking to the next level, because you know what someone’s doing at that exact second. Real talk: the only folks I care that much about are the girls in my lineage. If your big, little, and grandlittle aren’t your three “best friends” on Snapchat you’re doing it wrong…or there’s a boy in your life, in which case that could come back to bite you in the butt (or boobs).

3. The Frenemy Snap
I like to be invited everywhere, even if I have no intention of going. That’s sisterhood. However, the girl sending these Snapchats isn’t the S-word, she’s the C-word (and for once, I don’t mean crazy). This girl goes out once a month and thinks it’s an impressive feat. Unlike her, you’re out nightly, and are usually well on your way to Blackout City, a place where Snapchats don’t exist (luckily). This lady sends out her GPS coordinates regularly, while you’re too far gone to know where the pool table you’re dancing on is located. If the girl in question sends one more snap from an event that you weren’t invited to, you’re going to snap back your middle finger. Or better yet, block her, because aggression is preferable when dealing with a passive aggressive frenemy hellbent on kicking your FOMO into high gear. While my fear of missing out is all-encompassing, it gets boring to look at pictures of the one beer she’s guzzling with girls who slipped through the cracks. Spoiler alert: If you were actually having fun, you wouldn’t be Snapchatting your frenemies every five minutes. Unfortunately, that single Smirnoff Ice she consumes and mass Snapchats never gets her drunk enough to lose her phone. One helpful way to get rid of this frenemy is to send her a dick pic. Really go for an unfortunate-looking one. After all, if girlfriend spends her nights Snapchatting her favorite frenemies, she’s probably never seen one before, so it’s sure to freak her out. Plus, isn’t that what Snapchat is really for?

4. The Parolee Princess
This sister sends you pictures of literally everything she’s doing, always. You love her, but did you really need to know what she ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? One meal would have sufficed, and you could have found that information on Instagram, so sending a snap is really overkill. You know what bar she’s at, who else is there, and every cocktail she consumes. While you love knowing what your friends are doing, consistently checking in is best saved for Foursquare or a parole officer. If you’re Snapchatting constantly while out on the town, you need to drink more, because you’re far too sober if you’re focused on sending a selfie.

5. The Glamour Girl
Girlfriend might as well be writing na-na na-na boo-boo over everything she sends. You absolutely adore her, but you can’t help but be a little bit jeallyfish when it comes to her legitimately fabulous life. She sends you pictures of stunning beaches, her adorable puppy, and her smoking hot boyfriend. We get it, girl, you’re living the high life. While you enjoy her snaps because a stunning picture of the ocean from her family’s yacht is far more fascinating than someone’s meal, you can’t help but wonder if you could trade places for the day for a change of scenery.

    Editor’s Note: h/t my bestie, from whom I stole the idea for that Snapchat – Hot Piece

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