The 50 States Ranked By Penis Size

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Nice Move

I know it’s finals, but this study is way more important than any paper you have to write. Put down your addy and index cards and read on up…for research purposes only, obviously. I’ve often wondered which state is best for finding a tall guy, because I’m kind of a size queen (when it comes to height, of course). Unfortunately, after extensive research on that subject, Google told me to move to the Netherlands, and I just love America too much. While the domestic height study doesn’t exist, a new one from Condomania.com does, and it ranks all 50 states based on size. Now, that’s patriotic.

Condomania claims to be America’s first online condom store. It’s unclear to me why an online condom store exists. I get that it could maybe be embarrassing to buy them if you’re wearing a promise ring, but otherwise I think you’re good to go. Plus, if you are buying XXL Magnums, I would think you’d want to do it in a public place where you’re free to swagger around like the Biebs while you pick up the nice lady at the CVS counter along with your Trojan supply. Or maybe you don’t use connies at all, because you donate plasma for liquor money and claim to be totally clean, minus the whole herpes thing. Perhaps it’s for people who use specialty supplies, like dental dams. I can’t be sure. They do offer a “small and snug fit,” for which I can understand turning to the internet to purchase, you little nugget, you. They also have extremely specialized sizes on the site, so if your little willy is a little wonky, this is the place for you.

Our friends at Condomania compiled condom sales data by state to find out which states bought a higher-than-average amount of larger condoms. Now, I know you’re on the edge of your seat waiting for the results, so without further ado here’s a list of the 50 states ordered by peen size.

1. North Dakota
2. Rhode Island
3. South Dakota
4. District of Columbia
5. Massachusetts
6. Ohio
7. Arizona
8. Alabama
9. New York
10. South Carolina
11. Colorado
12. Maryland
13. Wisconsin
14. New Jersey
15. California
16. Florida
17. Connecticut
18. Virginia
19. Oregon
20. Pennsylvania
21. Washington
22. Tennessee
23. New Mexico
24. Iowa
25. Illinois
26. Louisiana
27. Vermont
28. Utah
29. Maine
30. Nebraska
31. Idaho
32. Kansas
33. Delaware
34. Michigan
35. Nevada
36. New Hampshire
37. Oklahoma
38. Montana
39. Minnesota
40. Kentucky
41. Texas
42. Indiana
43. West Virginia
44. Missouri
45. Alaska
46. North Carolina
47. Wyoming
48. Arkansas
49. Hawaii
50. Mississippi

Now that the results are in, choose your postgrad plans wisely. If you already wanted to move to the Big Apple, you’re in luck, because bigger is better. If you were considering Texas, apparently not everything there is bigger. If you never gave the Dakotas a second thought, it’s understandable, but think about how romantic your life could be. As a college student, you’re lucky enough to have access to two states of sizes, so hopefully either your home state or college town weighs in favorably. Unfortunately, the data is based on the sizes people are purchasing, and we all know how cocky guys can be, even if they don’t have the personal equipment to back it up. Luckily, you’ll now know if they deserve to have an ego on them, based on which state you’re in at the time. This study is basically Lulu for all of America, minus the hashtags.

[via NewsFeed.Time.com]

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