Gentlemen, unless you are for some reason interested in dating men, it’s probably best to spend your time elsewhere. If you are interested in dating men, by all means continue, and please call me so we can get brunch and go shopping. I have a really hot friend I can set you up with.
At some point in your collegiate career you will move outside the dating pool of eligible fraternity actives for one reason or another. You might want to experience some actual dates that don’t begin in the basement of a fratcastle and end with a 3am pledge ride home, or you might find yourself as a senior with a greatly diminished pool of prospects. In any case, I’m here to help.
The Visiting Alumnus
Now, let me start this one with the disclaimer that you are not going to actually DATE this fellow. He’s only in town for the weekend until he goes back to working 16 hour days at the investment bank, law firm, or other place of business that offers employees a massive paycheck in exchange for their souls. Consequently, when he escapes for a weekend, he is going to rage harder than any of the actives. This man is going to be your first foray into the postgrad pool of manflesh, since he isn’t too much of a step from the asshole who is currently mindfucking you by not calling for 3 weeks after he invited you to his date function. You probably had a crush on him as a freshman and in your alcohol-induced haze, it is going to seem like a great idea to sneak off to his old room in the fratcastle for a sloppy hookup. Unfortunately, the amount of cocaine and rail bourbon in this gentleman’s system will prevent systems from firing properly, but there is a good chance he has been in the game long enough to know how to get around this issue. Do not put your finger up his ass. Really, just don’t. If there is one thing you take away from this column, let it be that.
After that incident with the investment analyst, you might be thinking that it’s time to try dating a genuinely good guy. People keep saying that it’s a good idea, and as a red-blooded American female, this man in uniform is going to get your motor running even without the typical bad boy complex. I absolutely recommend dating this guy for a few weeks. He will come up to the door and knock, hold your hand for a walk in the evening, think of sweet and romantic dates, and you will wonder if it is your duty as a patriot to sleep with him before he deploys. Ladies, call me a communist all you want, but don’t go there. If he enlisted from high school, he might be your age, but from my experience, time in the military tends to have men thinking of marriage and children at a young age. Of course you should be thrilled this gorgeous man is talking about putting a ring on your finger, but when the subject comes up three weeks into the relationship, it’s going to be a little strange.
One thing you will certainly not worry about with this perma-bachelor is early talk of marriage and children. In fact, he will probably announce that he has no interest in either, at all, even on the second date. He will also subsequently suggest you two hop in his 5 series and head back to his professionally furnished condo for your audition to be part of his lineup of good-looking girls with daddy issues who think they might just change his mind and settle him down. Needless to say, this one is an entertaining fellow to date casually, since he knows what he is doing when it comes to wining and dining a fine lady such as yourself, but he’s just a little too old and definitely a little too jaded for you right now. Some woman will probably come along to change him, but she is never going to be you. And honestly, why bother with that? You’re as young and beautiful as you will ever be. No matter how much you enjoy the nine course tasting menu with wine pairings at that fabulous French restauraunt you could never get into without his connections, don’t waste your time.
The Townie Musician
Now, allow me to first issue the disclaimer that I have never personally been into the artsy types. I have, however, witnessed this situation occur time and time again amongst my girlfriends, so it merits inclusion. You are going to meet this guy at your favorite college watering hole on a Wednesday night where he is the live entertainment. He will sing a Bob Dylan song right before last call, lock eyes with you, and throw you a wink before singing that verse that you KNOW he is singing just to you. Your raging hormones will allow you to ignore that he never graduated college, smokes more weed than your average semi-pro skateboarder, and he isn’t really into showering daily. He is handsome, he will have real feelings for you, and he will also have real feelings for three other girls who you will find out about two or three months later. Get it out of your system while it’s still socially acceptable.
The MBA Student
This guy is the trump card of all formal dates. He was a fraternity man, he worked for a couple years at an amazing job that he landed through his old money family connections, and now he is back for his graduate degree before he goes out on his own to start his empire. He is handsome, old enough to be willing to commit, but young enough that he can still close down bars with you. The extra years that he has on most undergrads have also allowed him to master the game, so be prepared to feel like a dumb high school sophmore again. The only downside of this handsome fellow is that you are going to have tough competition. If you are on your A game, he is a great prospect, and if you can lock him down, you are going to be the most hated girl on grounds (in the best possible way, of course).
The Law/Medical Student
This man has obvious appeal. Your mother is going to immediately love that he is going to be a doctor or a lawyer, and your dad is going to love that you found a fellow whose focus in college was maintaining a high GPA rather than a high BAC. He was probably a fraternity man, most likely one who held exec board positions and banged on the door of the room where you were loudly hooking up with his pledge brother at 4 AM because SOME people are trying to actually study on a Thursday night. He is handsome, perfect on paper, and just way too prematurely old to date in college. Leave him to the middle tier girls who feel the need to lock down a husband ASAP for fear of dying an old maid. You’re too fabulous for that, so enjoy your time in college and ask how his pledge brother is doing these days. Hey, maybe he’s coming next year to get his MBA.