The 7 Horrible Phases Of A Diet


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So horrible

Diet: /di-et/ noun: A mysterious and strenuous process of eating healthy that most girls wish to accomplish. They are known to corrupt your sanity and require an unrealistic amount of self-control. There are seven stages one goes through when attempting to go on a diet.

Stage 1: Pinterest

If you don’t have some kind of health board already, you are doing Pinterest wrong. Some even separate their food board from their workout board fully knowing they won’t even consider attempting 99 percent of the stuff they pin. You just need pins to fill up that board so you can convince yourself that you are a fit human being. But once you do decide to suck it up and go on a diet, the first thing that comes to mind is “How the fuck am I supposed to diet? What is a diet? How does one do this?”

So naturally, instead of Googling different diets (that’s such an ancient tactic), you Pinterest search them for higher quality results. From there you begin to wonder which diet will require the least work, but will make the most progress. “Should I try juicing? Am I capable of cutting out all carbs? Eating 5-6 times a day? I already do that! This won’t be that hard.” Once you decide which diet you will go on, it’s time to put that baby into play.

Stage 2: Grocery Store Shopping

By now you have gathered and written down all of the ingredients you need. Once you are actually at the store is when things get cray. You don’t know what half of the ingredients are, so you decide to do without them. They are probably nasty anyways and you just don’t need that negativity in your life right now. It is straight up torture having to pass up buying ice cream and hot wings.

When you walk down the soda aisle you stop dead in your tracks when the Holy Grail catches your eye. Two words: Diet Coke. It’s everything you’ve been searching for on this dieting journey. It tastes amazing, yet doesn’t contain any calories, so you’re basically not even drinking it. There is nothing wrong with throwing it in the cart.

You then notice the low-cal treats such as Skinny Cow and Special K. Technically they aren’t a part of your diet, but how much harm are they really doing? This diet is going to be challenging physically and emotionally, so you deserve those chocolatey treats. Like, hello? Why should you let a diet tell you how to live your life? That’s completely mental. Your bank account hates you after you check out. No wonder you never go dieting. All of this healthy nonsense is so much more expensive. Whatever, you are going to finally have visible abs and nicely toned legs similar to Carrie Underwood’s. Throwing around your credit card in the spur of this health kick is worth it.

Stage 3: Self-Confidence

You feel like a health guru already. Starting tomorrow you will scoff down all of this colorful food and protein. And perhaps, if you are really taking this diet thing seriously, you’ll even go to the gym that you haven’t stepped foot in since the start of last semester. Even though your diet hasn’t technically begun, you decide to get a head start and drink a lot of aqua. Eight cups can’t be that difficult. Nothing can stop you now. Bring. It. On.

Stage 4: Preparing And Eating Meals

Chances are there will be a lot of improvising the instructions. Some of the directions for making the food seem like a foreign language to you, so you just do it your way. Maybe you’ll turn into the next Martha Stewart when you switch things up a bit. Who knows? But never underestimate the power of naturally disgusting food to demolish what could’ve been a meal that was bound to lead your way to culinary fame. However, these meals aren’t bad enough to make you vomit, so you just push on through it. It’s you against the food plan, and you are totally going to win.

Stage 5: Hunger

Times are pretty hard in hour five of your diet. Crisis has risen. Your stomach officially sounds like Kanye trying to sing. Why isn’t this stupid diet working? You sacrificed the joy food brings you just so you can look like a Victoria’s Secret model. Why haven’t you lost any freaking weight by now after all of this suffering? Technically you aren’t starving yourself, but you still feel like you belong on one of those commercials asking for donations to save starving children. *Cue depressing music*.

Even your dog can see the misery in your eyes caused by this diet. You are slowly becoming a barbarian willing to steal turkey sandwiches from homeless people. There’s not much good left in your soul. People are scared to talk to you because they know you will just shout with rage at them. When you look in the mirror, you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. What kind of monster have you become? The hunger has taken over and is not your friend. Your life is literally flashing before your eyes.

Stage 6: Bad Influences

Your sisters say they are totally supportive of your choice to go on a diet, even though you slightly sense some apathy from them. But it’s Taco Tuesday at your favorite Mexican restaurant and it’s a ritual to go after your chapter meeting. What kind of horrible traitor would you be to bail on Taco Tuesday? Sweat rolls down your face as you try to decide what the right decision would be. There’s no reason to let your relationships crumble just because of a silly little diet. Maybe you will just get a taco salad. It’s a salad, so it’s still healthy.

Stage 7: Death Of The Diet

There’s no way you are going to blame Taco Tuesday for breaking your diet. You at least tried to justify different reasons why that taco salad and all of those margaritas were actually healthy for you. Protein, veggies, fruit, etc. That’s what any ideal diet is made up of, right? But at the end of the day you know that none of those excuses are good enough. Plus, you’ve basically been starving yourself, and looking like an anorexic giraffe is no joke. A diet is just not worth falling down a hole of darkness, so you decide to call it quits. You would say that you’ll try again tomorrow, but you would only be lying to yourself. Nobody likes a liar.

Now it’s time to celebrate all of your hard work, so you head out to happy hour. Cheers to living that #FitLife!

Image via Shutterstock

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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