So you decided to drink alone. It’s a weekday and you’re bored and all of your friends are busy studying for tests, or it’s the weekend and you don’t have any friends besides your cat. Drinking alone is a conscious decision — it’s not like when you go out and spontaneously decide to have a drink with dinner. It’s a choice. It’s a choice to get a little buzzed, text your ex, and maybe send a few drunk Snapchats. It makes you feel like you’re a grown up, even if you’re drinking a $6 bottle of wine. I’m a huge fan of drinking alone — it’s like a mini-holiday from life/responsibilities. Drinking alone isn’t sad or pathetic, it can actually be good for you. If you’re drinking alone tonight (which you totally should), here’s what you should expect.
Stage 1: Pick The Alcohol
I know I just said drinking alone isn’t sad or pathetic, but you should probably stick to something a little less hardcore, like beer or wine, so people don’t think you’re an alcoholic. You can drink beer if you want… me to make fun of you. Wine. Go with wine. Don’t try and be classy with the red wine, because you and I both know that you’re going to have one glass before you throw the rest down the sink because it tastes gross. Maybe in a few years you’ll learn to like drinking red wine, but not today. Go with a classic white wine, like sauvignon blanc or chardonnay.
Stage 2: Set The Scene
Drinking alone is all about you. Put on your favorite pair of ripped sweatpants, your most comfortable big t-shirt, your hair in a bun, and maybe even put on a face mask if you’re feeling fancy. Treat yourself. Order some takeout to be delivered because tonight you really can’t be bothered to heat up that Lean Cuisine meal. Put on your favorite guilty pleasure show. For me, it’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians. For you, it might be The Bachelor or a stupid Lifetime movie. No one’s around to see your embarrassing choice in T.V., so go wild.
Stage 3: Start Drinking
The fun part. Uncork that bottle of wine and get to drinking. I’m gonna warn you, you might feel stupid at first. Who the fuck gets drunk off Barefoot Moscato on a Tuesday night alone while watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives? you might think to yourself. You. That’s who. This is your life now — embrace it. The good parts of your night have yet to come.
Stage 4: Pure Bliss
Aaaaaaand now you’re tipsy. Or maybe drunk. You can’t tell. You feel fucking fantastic. You tell yourself that this something you’re going to do every night. You feel loose, happy and free. You don’t think you want to go out and drink ever again. Hell, you don’t even need friends, all you need is a bottle of wine and some trashy T.V. and you’re good.
Stage 5: Feelings Of Sadness
This is a typical side-effect of getting wine drunk. Feelings. Ugh. There’s so many of them. You might go down the rabbit hole of stalking, or even take it the next level and give your ex from five years ago a call. You just want to see what he’s up to. And if he still loves you. He better still love you. You might even cry — not because you’re sad about anything but because crying is like an orgasm for your emotions and you need that right now.
Stage 6: More Drinking
Before you know it, you’ve finished the whole bottle. What can you do now? Pull out your high school yearbook and relive the mems? You had bangs in high school — bad idea. Watch makeup tutorials on YouTube and try and recreate them on yourself? You just knocked over your stemless wine glass, so I think it’s best if you don’t. Masturbate? Bingo.
Stage 7: PTFO
You’ll drift peacefully into a long, hard sleep and wake up with a small yet annoying hangover. Worth it.
It may feel wrong at first, but trust me, drinking alone is one of life’s greatest pleasures..