It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Bachelor time. Now that we’ve had a chance to recover from the doozy that was JoJo’s season, it’s time for us to fixate our attention on a new group of crazy people. Unfortunately, every single girl looks exactly the same as usual, but they each have super special qualities that make them barely discernible from the next. There are two Danielles, two Elizabeths, and two Jasmines, and at least eleven of them are direct clones of each other. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer, Secaucus, NJ
She’s like a horse girl, but worse. She’s a dolphin girl. It’s a whole new breed of crazy. Expect her to believe she is actually a mermaid and do weird shit like sleep in the pool.
Angela, 26, model, Greenville, SC
She’s a model in South Carolina, which makes her a New York 6.
Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL
I will not be able to take her seriously with that name. All I can think of is the episode of The Office where Michael pronounces Astrid as “Ass-turd.” Classic comedy.
Briana, 28, surgical unit nurse, Salt Lake City, UT
This girl looks INTENSE. Don’t cross this bitch or she’ll shoulder check you into the next galaxy.
Brittany, 26, travel nurse, Santa Monica, CA
She’s kinda cute I guess. I think she’ll ride her sweetness factor pretty far into the competition and ultimately get shit on. Nice girls finish last.
Christen, 25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK
She does not have a real name or a real job. I do not see a bright future for this girl. On this show and in general.
Corrine, 24, business owner, Miami, FL
ABC says she’s a business owner, other sources say she’s an aspiring model, I say she’s a ditz.
Danielle L., 27, small business owner, Los Angeles, CA
I can’t get a read on her, which means she’ll be gone in the first two weeks.
Danielle M., 31, neonatal nurse, Nashville, TN
Her Instagram says she’s a model and not a nurse, so that pretty much sums up where her priorities are at.
Dominique, 25, restaurant server, Los Angeles, CA
She’s gonna stick around for a bit. She’s cute but not threatening, interesting but not overpowering. Excellent strategy.
Elizabeth (“Liz”), 29, doula, Las Vegas, NV
She’s going by “Liz” so that she isn’t confused with the other Elizabeth, but that won’t stop her from being confused with every other brunette in the house.
Elizabeth, 24, marketing manager, Dallas, TX
If this girl is able to form a coherent sentence, I will be shocked.
Hailey, 23, photographer, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
This girl doesn’t have resting bitch face, she has resting cunt face. Something about her is so punchable.
Ida Marie, 23, sales manager, Harlingen, TX
It’s so nice that Ida Marie’s mom signed the permission slip to let her on the show. She has to be home before her bedtime though. She has homework to do.
Jaimi, 28, chef, New Orleans, LA
I want to see an all out smackdown between Jaimi and Broad Shoulders Briana. Ratings would be through the roof.
Jasmine B., 25, flight attendant, Tacoma, WA
If this girl came up to me on an airplane and offered me some pretzels, I would jump out the door. I look like a steaming dumpster next to her, there’s no way I could be on the same plane as her.
Jasmine G., 29, pro basketball dancer, San Francisco, CA
She is absolutely beautiful. Almost too beautiful. It’s a little suspicious.
Josephine, 24, unemployed nurse, Santa Cruz, CA
Wtf is an unemployed nurse? Do you have a job or don’t you? If she’s an unemployed nurse, then I’m an unemployed pop star.
Kristina, 24, dental hygienist, Lexington, KY
She’s either winning or getting her own season. She just has that look.
Lacey, 25, digital marketing manager, Manhattan, NY
She’s getting down in the Fantasy Suites for sure.
Lauren, 30, law school graduate, Naples, FL
There’s no season of The Bachelor without a blonde named Lauren, but again, what’s up with these wishy washy job titles? She graduated law school but now what? She has some explaining to do.
Michelle, 24, food truck owner, Los Angeles, CA
She wins coolest job. I want to know more about this girl. I have a good feeling about her.
Olivia, 25, apparel sales representative, Nashville, TN
Hmm, apparel sales representative. What a fancy title for Instagram model.
Rachel, 31, attorney, Dallas, TX
I predict this girl will start the most fights solely based on her career. Someone’s gotta stir the pot.
Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner, Hoxie, AR
She’ll be the first to kiss Nick. You can just tell.
Sarah, 26, grade school teacher, Newport Beach, CA
She is going to be an audience favorite. With her cute little hair and her cute little elementary school kids, everyone is going to feel bad for her when Nick picks a hotter girl.
Susannah, 26, account manager, San Diego, CA
She’s not making it through the first week.
Taylor, 23, mental health counselor, Seattle, WA
She is good with psychology, so I can’t wait to see her play mind games with the rest of the cast. Backhanded compliments galore.
Vanessa, 29, special education teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Something on her face looks desperate. Like this is her last resort before her eggs dry up. I expect she is going to cry the most.
Whitney, 25, Pilates instructor, Chanhassen, MN
Ooo, very flexible. I’m sure guys LOVE it.
Let the games begin..
Images via ABC