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The Bachelor Contestant Standings: Week 1

We begin this season with ABC desperately trying to make Nick look like a likable person. What cute little bloopers followed by shots of shirtless running. And then a shower scene? Already I’m disgusted and it’s been twenty seconds. But I must tread forward. The dynamic they show with his youngest sister is supposed to be humanizing, but even with his family they are uncomfortable.

After another montage of doucheiness and an awkward lunch with past Bachelors giving him advice, we get to the traditional limo introductions.

Still In The Game

Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer, Secaucus, NJ

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Performance This Week: Alexis is going to be a fan favorite. She showed up in a shark costume and insisted that it was a dolphin, then got plastered and swam around in the pool. She wore the shark suit all night with heels in her feet and a drink in her hand. Her obsession with dolphins may get to be a little much, but she is going to be the life of the party. I can’t wait to see what else she does.

Odds: 1/60

Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL

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Performance This Week: Astrid decided to tell Nick, in German, that her boobs are real and she likes sex. Very forward, but she neglected to tell him what it meant, so he was left confused. Nothing else about her was really enough to recapture his attention.

Odds: 1/1,000

Brittany, 26, travel nurse, Santa Monica, CA

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Performance This Week: Miming a prostate exam is not the way most girls would go, for good reason. After crying to the camera that everyone was prettier than her, and then got a rose because Nick had some extra and she wasn’t terrible. She is outta here ASAP.

Odds: 1/10,001

Christen, 25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK

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Performance This Week: She comes out of the limo in a stupidly bright yellow dress with a fan in front of her face to reveal an OK face and terribly teased hair. Her first sentence is “How crazy do you think I am right now?”, to which America replied, “Very.” She taught him how to dance during their one-on-one time with over-bearing enthusiasm. She’s going to be. Interesting.

Odds: 1/430

Corrine, 24, business owner, Miami, FL

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Performance This Week: She presented Nick with a hug token, which in theory is cute, but Corinne is far from that. She quickly revealed that she is one of those bitches who is super nice to guys but a devil woman to girls. Stealing him for a second time to make out with him was a big no-no.

Odds: 1/30

Danielle L., 27, small business owner, Los Angeles, CA

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Performance This Week: Danielle knew what she was doing when she picked that dress. It spoke for her, which is good because she really had nothing interesting to say.

Odds: 1/45

Danielle M., 31, neonatal nurse, Nashville, TN

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Performance This Week: Danielle played the super cute card very well. She gave Nick a bottle of homemade syrup and talked about the babies that she saves. She seems like a pretty wholesome person. Just a side note, she kind of sounds like Marcel the Shell with shoes on.

Odds: 1/25

Dominique, 25, restaurant server, Los Angeles, CA

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Performance This Week: Dominique barely got any airtime, but she did wear a red dress, which was apparently a huge thing.

Odds: 1/8,000

Elizabeth (“Liz”), 29, doula, Las Vegas, NV

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Performance This Week: First, Liz was acting coy about her night with Nick 9 months ago, but quickly changed her tune and addressed that they had sex multiple times. She walked around with a smugness about her that was intolerable, but after talking to Nick, she clearly didn’t have this in the bag like she thought. He was confused why he hadn’t just tried to call him instead of coming on the show, which is a damn good question. Fortunately for her, she was interrupted before she could answer. Very convenient.

Odds: 1/500

Elizabeth, 24, marketing manager, Dallas, TX

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Performance This Week: Elizabeth had the cutest lace dress and the cute little accent. Not a lot of airtime this week, but she has potential

Odds: 1/200

Hailey, 23, photographer, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

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Performance This Week: Hailey got out the the limo and told Nick she wasn’t wearing any underwear, and we’d all be lying if we said we hadn’t said that to a guy once. Except you were probably drunk and not on TV. The rest of the time she spent being bitter about not getting a rose before the shark girl.

Odds: 1/300

Jaimi, 28, chef, New Orleans, LA

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Performance This Week: Jaimi showed up in a short dress (risky) and then said she had balls (double risky) and then whipped out a septum piercing (back to just risky).

Odds: 1/600

Jasmine G., 29, pro basketball dancer, San Francisco, CA

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Performance This Week: This girl shows up with Neil Lane and an engagement ring already picked out. That is the most insane shit you could possibly come up with. It’s no wonder he turns her down when she tries to steal him.

Odds: 1/10,000

Josephine, 24, unemployed nurse, Santa Cruz, CA

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Performance This Week: This girl is funny. But not funny haha, more like funny holy shit what is wrong with her. Her janky extensions were bad enough, but then she made him Lady and the Tramp an uncooked hot dog like some sort of sociopath.

Odds: 1/1,000,000

Kristina, 24, dental hygienist, Lexington, KY

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Performance This Week: She had no intro and barely any talk time and then just cried. It’s really a shock she made it through.

Odds: 1/1,000,000,000

Lacey, 25, digital marketing manager, Manhattan, NY

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Performance This Week: How did she pull off riding in on a camel? Honestly, she has some sort of magical powers. The girls better watch out.

Odds: 1/15

Rachel, 31, attorney, Dallas, TX

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Performance This Week: Nick was already planning a life with her in his head. They talked about football and family and all that. She got the first impression rose AND a kiss that she did not spring upon him. Part of me thinks she’s too smart for this pettiness, but I just want to see her happy.

Odds Of Winning: 1/5

Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner, Hoxie, AR

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Performance This Week: Raven comes from the hickest hicktown, but some people find that charming. Historically, cute southern people make it pretty far.

Odds: 1/12

Sarah, 26, grade school teacher, Newport Beach, CA

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Performance This Week: Sarah made fun of Nick with a pun, so you know she’s cool. She’s cute and fun. Expecting a lot from her

Odds: 1/40

Taylor, 23, mental health counselor, Seattle, WA

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Performance This Week: Up front, Taylor let Nick know that her friends said that “he’s a complete piece of shit,” and being a professional in the field of psychology, she would know that your friends are usually right.

Odds: 1/42

Vanessa, 29, special education teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada

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Performance This Week: Vanessa speaks a bunch of languages and sounds like a cunt in all of them. However, Nick called her a keeper after she got out of the limo. During their one-on-one time, she spoonfed him a story about how her friend submitted her and she said she wished it was Nick, and blah blah blah, fate brought them together.

Odds: 1/20

Whitney, 25, Pilates instructor, Chanhassen, MN

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Performance This Week: Just a real stuck up bitch.

Odds: 1/1,000


Eliminated This Week

Angela, 26, model, Greenville, SC

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Performance This Week: Angela said at least three times that she was “there for Nick,” which mean she clearly was not there for Nick.

Reason For Elimination: Really annoying voice and personality.

Briana, 28, surgical unit nurse, Salt Lake City, UT

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Performance This Week: Briana whipped out a stethoscope and listened to Nick’s heart and says that she usually has her patients take their shirts off.

Reason For Elimination: The ugly laugh that followed her cheesy joke about Nick taking his shirt off.

Ida Marie, 23, sales manager, Harlingen, TX

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Performance This Week: Ida Marie’s two piece dress was super cute, but her idea to do a trust fall on Nick was just meh. She must have been interesting though, because he denied Jasmine G. trying to steal him while he was sitting with Ida Marie.

Reason For Elimination: Boring.

Jasmine B., 25, flight attendant, Tacoma, WA

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Performance This Week: Jasmine was wearing a red dress. That is all we know.

Reason for Elimiation: She wore red.

Lauren, 30, law school graduate, Naples, FL

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Performance This Week: Lauren told Nick that they both have bad last names. His is Viall and hers is Hussy, and together they are “a disgusting slut.”

Reason For Elimination: Definitely that thing about the disgusting slut. It’s such a shame, because she had one of the best dresses.

Michelle, 24, food truck owner, Los Angeles, CA

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Performance This Week: No airtime. No bueno.

Reason For Elimination: Not exploitable enough.

Olivia, 25, apparel sales representative, Anchorage, AK

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Performance This Week: Olivia gave Nick an eskimo since she is from Alaska, and then immediately faded into the background.

Reason For Elimination: Not aggressive enough.

Susannah, 26, account manager, San Diego, CA

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Performance This Week: Susannah gave Nick a beard massage? I just. I don’t know anymore.

Reason for Elimination: Total weirdo.

Fill up your wine glasses, fill out your brackets, and see you all next week.

Images via ABC, florianheger

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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