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The Chronicles Of A Chapter In Trouble

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The room is filled with loud, panicked whispers as the president bangs her gavel.

President: I call to order this meeting on the 28th of January, 2014 in our Chapter Room. Before we begin tonight’s meeting, I would like to thank you all for being here tonight to meet…

Disgruntled Senior: Uhh you mean because we HAVE to be here.

President: …to meet about recent events in this chapter. There have been many rumors and stories about the events that led to our chapter being under investigation. I am here to set the story straight and to tell you what we, as a chapter, will be uniting and coming together as a whole in to survive this bump in the road. Now, let’s start off with what was on everyone’s mind the night of January 27th. As you are well aware, January 27th was the night of our When-In-Rome Date Dash. Looking back on it, telling our Social Chair that it was ok to have a tower of wine shooters in the shape of the Leaning Tower of Pisa available for anyone to have was irresponsible on my part. I should have known that it would be a service quickly abused, and I should have forseen it leading to two dates breaking beer bottles over their chests outside the venue. I should have expected you all to follow them outside, too, and because you people do not understand the concept of staying indoors, at least three girls were outside with the two males, where one of you was screaming about man-boobs, and another was puking. Furthermore, after the party, a member brought a can of beer outside of the venue, causing police to flock to her. Someone’s date yelled “Fuck da police”, causing the original cops to call for back-up. Three citations were issued by the officers. Three. And to put the cherry on top on this shit sundae, two of our newly initiated members were sent to the hospital, one for alcohol poisoning, the other for stepping on broken glass from the chest-bottle smashers.

[She sighs and rubs her eyes]

As if that wasn’t bad enough, pictures of this event and party were spread across every social media outlet in existence. Seriously, Diane, why would you put a picture of yourself in a revealing toga on your LinkedIn profile?

Senior: [under her breath] Why does she even have one? She’s a sophomore, I don’t even have one.

President: Other photos included countless selfies, questionable poses with dates, and someone’s date posting a member of this sorority’s bare ass, barely covered by a toga.

Junior: Yeah it has like, 50 likes on Instagram

President: Which brings me to this: every photo, tweet, status…essentially, ANY mention of this Date Dash on social media needs to be taken down immediately. IMMEDIATELY.

[gasps, chorus of “whats???” and overall discourse from the chapter]

President: There will be no exceptions to this. If I so much as see a single bed sheet on Facebook, you will immediately be sent to the Honor Board. The school is investigating our chapter, and I need you all to cooperate with them and stick to our story. If they feel that this issue is big enough, they will be contacting our nationals. We do NOT want that. We have just avoided getting probation from the last time they came to visit. You know, when someone decided it was a good idea to serve Baileys and Coffee at the Relay Letter Writing Campaign.

Fundraising Chair: We made so much money, everyone loved it, and everyone stayed up to write letters. I don’t see an issue.

President: [exasperated] I’m not even going there with you, Briana. If anyone asks you about the events of January 27th, deny that it ever happened. As of now, Office of Greek Life believes Date Dash was held at an on-campus apartment. If we deny it ever happened, along with NO record of it on social media, we will be in the clear. To avoid this ever happening again, we will be having a social media lock down. Anything questionable, derogatory, or in conflict with the ideals of our sorority will need to be taken off the internet. In order to enforce this, a small committee of members, who shall remain anonymous, will patrol your social media accounts. If you get a “like” or “favorite” from an account with the name of one of our founders, you are to delete that post or picture immediately. This committee will give me reports on who is posting inappropriate things, and If one of you is violating the rules frequently, you will be sent to the Honor Board.

Senior: THAT’S UNCONSTITUTIONAL!

President: We are moving forward, and there will changes. We will not be the risk management chapter, I refuse!

[VP of Standards stands up and claps, everyone glares at her until she stops and slowly sits back down]

President: For this semester, VP of Philanthropy and I have arranged for our chapter to work with the Cold Weather Shelter once a week. You will all be split into…

Senior: MORE service hours?!

Another Senior: YOU LIE!

President: …four groups. Each group will visit once a month, each group will be assigned a week to go. No exceptions. Additionally, I’d like to address the raise of dues.

Senior: This chapter is horseshit!

President: I know a dues hike does not seem ideal right now, however we will need the money for insurances costs, and to really step up our recruitment for this semester.

[VP of Recruitment stands and claps, joined by the Recruitment Committee]

President: Overall, I see big things for our chapter, and I refuse to let these missteps interfere with my, I mean, our legacy. If you have any questions, feel free to ask after the meeting. Secretary, please call roll.

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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