“I bought a new bra for my almost-boyfriend and he DIDN’T EVEN CARE.”
You will make a big deal out of absolutely nothing when talking to your driver. You like that this individual has no choice but to agree that Kyle is a douche for not noticing your new sexy clothing.
“Should I text him? I feel like I should text him. But I also want him to know that I’m mad at him. Do you think he would get the hint if all I say is “K.” randomly?”
No, sweetheart. Ryan will not understand what you mean if you out of the blue “K.” him. If your new BFF has brains, he or she will tell you just that.
“My boyfriend’s ex sucks. She’s not even pretty. Like look at her. Ew.”
Is a punch-drunk Uber ride even a ride if you don’t bring up your or your boyfriend’s ex? No. So go on. Do it. Bitch about the ex. The driver is actually a psychiatrist in disguise.
“If Donald Trump can be president, so can I. So remember to vote for me.”
Every time any sort of politics is mentioned, you suddenly hop at the idea to turn it into your political campaign. You’re not seriously going to run for president, but you just want to be reassured that you have the vote of your Uber driver.
“I don’t actually know what I’m doing with my life”
*They continue to assure you’re going to be fine and give you life advice.* Your response: “OMG you’re so wise!”
“I’m just going to quit everything and open up my own tanning salon/margarita bar.”
Fortunately, this new friend of yours is going to tell you that while your business plans are clever, you should probably stay where you are and finish school.
*Sobbing* “I just really miss my cat that died a year ago”
This is the most awkward of all Uber car rides. What is the driver supposed to do? Pat your back? Sing you a bedtime song and hope you pass out?
“I’m Italian, so I should be the next top chef, but I’m not so great around the kitchen. But don’t tell Mike because I want him to think I’m wifey material.”
God forbid your driver reveals your deepest, darkest wannabe housewife secret.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’VE NEVER HAD CRAWFISH?!”
Every once in awhile you will meet chauffeurs who haven’t tasted the same cuisine as you. But when you are piss drunk you find it absolutely appalling when someone else hasn’t eaten your favorite dish. How can you trust someone to operate the vehicle you are in if they don’t even like the same food as you?
“I just really want tacos. They’ll love me even when nobody else does.”
No matter what, you are going to ask for some grub on the way to your destination. Always. And the food you request will always be something of a nightmare to your digestive system.
“OMG what should I do? This guy I hooked up with my freshman year won’t quit texting me. Should I go over to his place?”
For some reason you insist that your Uber driver knows enough about you to decide whether or not you would feel shame by banging an old boy crush. Suddenly your fate relies in this stranger’s hands.
“I just made out with this guy. *Shows pic.* Is he cute? I can’t tell.”
Once again, your Uber driver’s opinions are the most important in this time frame for some reason. Homeboy could be tall, dark, and handsome and everything you desire in a man, but if your Uber driver doesn’t approve, you can kiss his soul goodbye. Some say mama knows best, but when you’re inebriated your driver is a close runner-up.
“My sorority is holding some philanthropy event in the morning…whatever that means”
One moment you are bitching about your sorority…
“OMG I LOVE MY LITTLE SO MUCH. She is literally perfect.”
And then you suddenly share how much you love your sorority once you bring up a story involving your little.
“I threw a drink in this jackass’s face tonight because I thought it would stop him from winking at me. It just got me thrown out instead.”
There’s always that moment when you casually try to act like your behaviors were reasonable, but no matter what you sound like a crazy impaired bitch. Instead of responding, your Uber driver will just laugh at your astonishing tales.
“I must have lost my credit card when I was closing out my tab and reaching my hand down that guy’s pants. I don’t know where else it would be.”
Uber rides are a judgmental free zone, right?.