The Disappointment Called “The VMAs”

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Once upon a time, celebrities used to get super drunk, roll face, throw on some designer clothes, and walk the red carpet for an awards show held by MTV called the Video Music Awards. I miss those days.

The 2012 VMAs were even more disappointing than last year’s, which I thought was impossible, seeing as how last year Lady Gaga cross dressed and the entire tribute to Britney pretty much forgot to take place.

Moving on. Anyway, last night’s VMAs were far worse than I could have ever imagined. First of all, Kanye completely ignored my letter to him, so I now hate him. He didn’t even make an appearance. Second of all, everybody looked terrible, except, maybe for Katy Perry, and when Katy Perry looks the best out of a group of celebrities, we all know there’s a problem.

The show started off with a performance by Rihanna, who I HATE. Rihanna always tries too hard to be provocative and ends up looking like a clueless slut with stupid tattoos. This performance was no different. She essentially flailed around the stage while very obviously lipsynching until she finally got around to singing the only song of hers I’ve liked since “Disturbia,” “We Found Love.” After that, Kevin Hart took the stage to do his intro monologue. He was better than last year, but that’s not saying much because last year he was a stuttering mess. The best part of the night was when he walked in surrounded by elves/midgets/small people/dwarfs/adult-looking toddlers. I’m all for offending people, and I think that creating an entourage of Keebler elves is a great way to do so.

After Kevin’s monologue, Katy Perry presented One Direction with the Best Pop Video award. I’m unclear as to what’s happening, because apparently, an invasion of British pop stars us upon us. It took me a little while during the pre-show to figure this out, but I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that the best way to differentiate between The Wanted and One Direction is that One Direction is a median age of 15 and The Wanted is like…20? Still unclear. Whatev. Anyway, the main highlight of seeing this One Direction concept was noticing that Miley’s new haircut matches one of the band members’, so that’s really cute.

The awkward short on the sides longer on the top haircut baton was passed from the boy bander to Miley and then straight onto Pink when she introduced her performance. One thing about Miley is certainly reassuring: she may be a millionaire, but she’s still the girl who speaks like she has spacers and a palate expander in her mouth. Anyway, I actually loved Pink’s performance, and think it may have been one of the best of the show, mainly because it mimicked what I am like after a breakup, dancing around my room while drinking a bottle of Beringer through a straw and trying to convince myself I’m okay. The awkward haircut also made another appearance, but this time it was attached to Pink’s head.

The Best Male Video award was given to Chris Brown, who is apparently rocking some bleach blonde/white hair scenario? Whatever. While we’re still discussing things I don’t care about, Drake won for Best Rap Video for the song titled “Hell Mother Fucking Yeah,” which I’m sure his former English teachers are proud of him for.

Rebel Wilson and The Wanted presented the award for Best Female Video. I think Rebel Wilson is hilarious. She’s like that necessary fat friend that I highly recommend everyone have: you only need to bring her out when you feel bad about yourself or a little bloated, but she’s good at taking a joke. Nicki Minaj won for “Starships,” which would have been cute except she looked like Helen Keller helped her get dressed, and she made an acceptance speech, which required her speaking voice to be heard. Vom.

The rest of the night was a lame, event-less blur, unless you count Greenday’s performance, because they’ve somehow managed to stay relevant after all of these years, and the Fierce Five introducing Alicia Keys. I didn’t really care about Alicia Keys until Gaby Douglass had a little solo performance. I’m still not over how amazing those pocket-sized gymnasts were.

The night ended with the worst final VMA performance ever. Taylor Swift, channeling a hipster, performed her new song, “Jake Gyllenhall Dumped Me Because He Got to Know Me, and then Came Back for a Couple Rounds of Non-committal Sex, and now I Need to Feel Like I Have the Last Word So I’m re-writing a song I’ve previously Written and Tailoring it to this Particular Breakup.” It’s better known as “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” If there’s one person I hated the most out of this entire evening, it was Taylor again. First of all, she wore a PANT SUIT on the red carpet, and then, she dressed like Waldo and awkwardly flailed around the stage with a bunch of hipsters.

I miss the good old days, when the VMA’s were for shock value, and Madonna made out with girls, and people climbed on speakers. So anyway, since this year’s VMAs were so awful, I’ve decided to make list of 10 Things That Would Have Improved the Show:

10. A Live Performance from the cast of Magic Mike
9. Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj, and Rihanna having a fight to the death of people who try to hard to be different. We all win, because at least two of them would be over.
8. If the evening had taken a different direction and turned into a roast of Kristen Stewart.
7. If someone told Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose that announcing a pregnancy at the VMAs was so 2011.
6. Lady Gaga bleeding on stage.
5. The Spice Girls. Really anything involving The Spice Girls.
4. If the crowd that Taylor Swift jumped into dropped her.
3. An actual tribute to Britney, because last year’s was bullshit.
2. An Amy Winehouse hologram.
1. If actual celebrities had shown up.

Over all, the show sucked, and the only thing I could take away from it is that society is just trying to go through a serious comeback: Madonna came back as Rita Ora, Sisqo came back as Chris Brown, and Miley Cyrus pretty much came out of the closet.


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