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The Dos And Don’ts Of An Open Bar

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It’s Saturday night. You’re exhausted. “Maybe I’ll stay in,” you think. Then you see it. It’s a text from your roommate with the two most exciting words in the English language: “Open bar.” But before you go all in on what’s sure to be a night you will never remember, here are some important dos and don’ts to keep in mind.

DO: Get there on time. We’re normally big fans of being fashionably late (AKA showing up hours after something starts because we were trying on every item of clothing we own and drinking “warmup wine” in the shower). This is not one of those scenarios.

DON’T:
Invite your crush to join you. This is not a game; this is THE game. You need to stay focused.

DO: Order as many drinks as you can hold. People might stare if you take out your own personal serving tray to bring the free booze back to your table, but they’re just jealous that they didn’t think ahead.

DO: Tip the bartender at the beginning so he knows the deal. Plus, you won’t remember to by the end of the night.

DON’T: Fall for the pre-mixed specialty cocktail. You know that shit is weak.

DO: Order shots. This applies both to open bars as well as to life in general.

DON’T: Wear heels. With all these free drinks being thrown around, shoes that elevate you to even an inch above sea level are a really bad idea.

DO: Remember to eat. And no, your drink garnishes do not count. A lemon wedge is not a meal, Britney.

DON’T: Order a super complicated drink. If the swamped bartender has to put more than three things in a glass for you, you better expect one of the ingredients will be his spit.

DO: Team up! You can get twice as many free drinks if you work with a partner. We suggest pairing with slutty Shannon–she always gets served quickly since she dresses like an off-duty stripper.

DON’T: Pregame. Trust us.

DO: Clear your calendar of plans for the next day that involve standing up or leaving the house. You will not want to do anything that isn’t spooning with a breakfast burrito, sipping Gatorade, and re-watching every single episode of “Gossip Girl.”

DON’T: Ask for “a cup of vodka.” You sound drunk.

DO: Take selfies earlier in the night. There is no filter strong enough to offset what three hours of aggressive drinking and screaming does to your face.

DON’T: Sing along to every song that comes on at the top of your lungs unless 1. everyone else also is, or 2. you’re Adele.

DO: Keep track of the time. You don’t want to realize that you’re 10 minutes from having to pay for drinks and you don’t even have a solid buzz going yet.

DON’T: Forget that you’re at an open bar. You are #blessed.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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