The Dos And Don’ts Of Homecoming

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The Dos And Don'ts Of Homecoming

While your excitement is out of control, simply because pumpkin spice lattes have made their triumphant return, a new semester also means the return of sports, which signals the start of Homecoming season. Though, you’ll probably blackout so hard you’ll never remember the actual game, it’s the thought the counts, and you’ll be there in spirit(s) and Instagram filters.

Homecoming is one of the greatest days of your college career. Everyone is beyond wasted, including all of the old people. You get to rock your cutest gameday attire, and the boys look good for once, too. Waking up on gameday is like waking up on your birthday. You know it’s going to be magical, and you can’t help feeling like anything can happen, Ellie Goulding style. You know two things for sure: you’ll end the day hungover, and you’ll be proud of your accomplishments (at least proud of whatever you can remember, which probably isn’t much).

Tailgating is the best excuse to day drink in excess, although it does mean the boys are more focused on their balls than you (aren’t they always?). Plus, it’s fun to see older sisters, and even more fun to see the older fraternity gentlemen who return to campus to charm you. Homecoming is its own little world of debauchery, an escape from the reality of spending a day hungover, because instead you’ll be hungover at night. If killing a couple dozen bottles of dirt cheap champagne is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. Here are the dos and don’ts of your special day.

Do: Plan your outfit perfectly in advance so you’re not overlapping with every other sorority girl on campus. No one wants to look like you’re all rocking exact matching outfits, recruitment style.

Don’t: Bring your own liquor. If you’re dying to show off your monogrammed flask, go for it, but you should be double fisting bottles of champagne five minutes after your arrival if you’re doing it right.

Do: Use the boys bathroom, if it’s an emergency situation (or if you just don’t feel like waiting in line). Feel free to take your time applying lip gloss, and if a boy questions why you’re in there tell him you assumed it was the ladies’ room.

Don’t: Urinate on yourself. This should be a given, but I’ve sadly witnessed a PNM pee herself…and my Valentino bow pumps got caught in the crossfire while she ruined her jorts. Unfortunately, a girl from every major sorority on campus saw this go down. Luckily, she still got a bid and is loving the lowest-tier of Greek life.

Do: Feel entitled to skip the game. If your football team is as pathetic as you would be on the field, it’s fine if you want to continue drinking through the HoCo shitshow. Win or lose, continue to booze.

Don’t: Miss halftime. Finding out which house will have bragging rights and the ability to show off the Homecoming Queen on its front porch is the important part of the game, anyway.

Do: Hook up with a fraternity alumnus, as long as he’s not a total douchenozzle. This is the perfect time to MO with someone who seems awesome because he’s older, even if your big disapproves and tells him she doesn’t like the way he’s looking at her little. While big always knows best, it’s okay to ignore her on special occasions and holidays.

Don’t: Talk for too long with your sorority alumnae. They will be blackout, near tears, and scream about how you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. Apologies in advance.

Do: Take a million lineage pictures. This isn’t the time to break out your LBD. Rock your school colors harder than ever before. After all, sorority girls love a good theme.

Don’t: Worry about standards. On this magical day, even they’ll be too drunk to care.

Do: Bring your parents, if they party. However, don’t be surprised when your mother tries to set you up with every boy in a bowtie and attempts to outdrink you.

Don’t: Bring your parents if they’re wet blankets. Even if it is parents weekend, if they can’t match you shot for shot or hop up and do a keg stand, tell them it’s actually the following weekend. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

Do: Spend time with your big, because it could be her last homecoming before she’s pregnant (just me on that one?). Well, even if she’s nowhere near with child, party with your big, anyway, because she’s already feeling nostalgic.

Don’t: Worry about running into every guy you’ve ever MOed with. You’ll see them all, obviously, but you’ll be well on your way to blackout city, so you won’t care.

Do: Feel free to tailgate with other fraternities, especially if they have a better alcohol choices, or better-looking boys.

Don’t: Remember anything.

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