When we were little, Easter was the day we’d get dragged to church kicking and screaming, only to be rewarded with candy, presents, and an Easter egg hunt where we’d cry if we didn’t get all the pink eggs. As kind-of-sort-of adults, the holiday is a little different. There’s still candy, there’s hopefully presents, and sometimes you even get dragged to church. But instead of the classic egg hunt and tears over not getting the color you want, there’s now the hunt for your favorite foods at brunch and drunken tears when your sister says you look like you’re getting fat.
So if you’ve made the mistake of going home for the day drinking event of the season, you might need some help. Here’s a little drinking guide so you can navigate the hard questions, the uncomfortable moments, and the realization that drinking on a religious holiday and family sometimes just don’t mix.
Take a drink…
- Every time someone asks what your major is.
Great question. I think it’s mass communication. Or is it public relations? Something like that.
- And every time you say the same elevator speech.
“I’m majoring in hospitalities with a minor in basket weaving. I dream of being JLo in “The Wedding Planner” and marrying someone like Matthew McConaughey, but more of a post-2014 one.
- Whenever you lie about what you do in your spare time.
“Oh, yeah. I’m super into volunteering. Have you heard of this thing? This thong? You like, stand for 24 hours and people throw money at you or something. Wait. Did I say thong? I meant to say thon — hahah!”
- When someone asks about your ~love life.~
Who’s my boyfriend? More like who *isn’t* my boyfriend, you know? Jk, Jk, I’m so alone.
- The second your racist relative arrives.
The party doesn’t start till the uncle who makes uncomfortable slurs walks in.
- And when your racist relative inevitably gets drunk.
If he gets drunk, you get drunk. That’s the saying, right?
- And when your racist relative starts talking politics.
Don’t worry, though. He got all of his facts from fake Facebook articles.
- Every time you check Tinder instead of listening to your grandmother’s story about her hip. Again.
*swipe, swipe, swipe* “Aw yeah, gran. Hips are totally in right now. *swipe, swipe, swipe.*
- And then every time you send a suggestive text.
Jesus can’t see it if I text under the table, right?
- Whenever you’re just trying to avoid someone.
Eyes down, bottoms up, that’s the way we like to get out of rambling conversations with our parents’ boring friends.
Take a shot (from your flask, if the hardest spirit at your brunch is the holy kind)…
- Every time you wish you would have just stayed at school.
You know, the place where you don’t get side eyes for shooting back an ounce of warm vodka.
- And every time you consider packing up and heading back to campus.
If you leave now you could get there by…Tuesday?
- Whenever you think about your high school ex.
Same town. Same holidays. Same need to make out in the back of your 10th-grade boyfriend’s car.
- And then again when you inevitably text him.
Like you didn’t know it was going to happen the second you decided to come home.
- When your mom gets drunk and brings him up
“What? Who? I totally forgot he existed.”
- When someone asks if you’re doing well in school this semester.
- The moment when the sibling comparisons start.
“I realize my brother went to an Ivy but did he win Beta Sweetheart? Huh?!”
- When you start crying over the fact that your family dog passed away. Four years ago.
“I just *sob* miss *sob* Buster *sob* so *sob* much!”
- Then when you drunkenly eat the entire value pack of Reese’s eggs.
Just a mouthful of chocolate helps the Fireball go down.
- When you realize that even though being home sucks, at least you’re bound to get a solid picture for the gram.
And at the end of it all, isn’t that the reason for any holiday?
Pass the champagne and the chocolate. Calories don’t count on holy days..