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The Eight Most Ridiculous Items on Gwyneth Paltrow’s The Lover Gift Guide

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Every year, Gwyneth Paltrow, or Goop, comes out with Holiday Gift Guides that never disappoint. While none of us are actually hitting the shops to buy her ridiculously expensive, impractical, and sometimes downright stupid present ideas, its always fun to externally laugh at all of her suggestions, while internally wishing that you were rich and famous enough to afford all of these eccentric finds. These are the eight strangest finds that are Goop’s must-haves from her Lover’s Gift Guide[http://goop.com/the-lover-gift-guide/]:

1. Anissa Kermiche Rubies Boobies Doré ($507)

Rubies Boobies Doré
Its like the adult upgrade of the “I Love Boobies” bracelet that every boy in your middle school wore religiously. All I know is that this probably is NSFW… or at chapter meeting, or on a date, or to meet your boyfriend’s parents, or actually really anywhere.

2. Rihanna X Stance Fro$tbite Sheer Ankle Socks ($24)

Rihanna x Stance Fro$tbite Sheer Anklet Socks
Rihanna is usually the queen of cool, but something obviously wasn’t right when she designed these socks. The worst part about them is that they’re designed to be lingerie. Trust me, if your boyfriend is turned on by socks that look like they came out a cheap witch’s halloween costume, you might have a problem on your hand.

3. Agent Provocateur Audrey Pasties Black ($165)

I’m all for pasties.There’s nothing worse than having someone ask you if its rather nippy out. Even if you’re part of the #FreeTheNipple [http://totalsororitymove.com/should-i-take-my-nipples-off-tinder-or-nah/] craze, there’s a time and a place. Personally, I’m more than happy with my $5 pasties that don’t have chains attached to them. Give up, Goop, something that you have to literally peel off of your nipple is never going to be sexy.

4. Stella McCartney Knickers of the Week (7 – Piece Pack) ($225)

These are just downright horrible. I get the cutesy, youthful appeal of having the days of the week on your delicates, however, when put onto a pair of grannypanties, all appeal is completely lost. We don’t all lead Gwyneth – perfect lives of eating organic, using $5,000 knives [http://totalsororitymove.com/gwyneth-paltrow-hit-on-obama-because-she-really-is-just-that-delusional/] and planning out what underwear we’re going to wear in advance.

5. The Au Box Intimate Box Subscription (Staring at $99)

Who would have guessed that Goop would be promoting weed merchandise (at least its organic?) Considering that studies have shown that weed dick may be the new whiskey dick [http://totalsororitymove.com/apparently-weed-dick-is-the-new-whiskey-dick-and-we-should-all-be-very-concerned/] the only time that this may be useful is if you’re trying to get out of sex.

6. Sin A-Cup Pillow ($295)

Imagine going home with a guy and seeing these babies on his bed. I mean, I would probably still go through with the deed, since (a) he’s mature enough to make his bed (b) he’s rich enough to spend $295 on an ugly pillow… but I would still think he was pretty weird.

7. Sami Hayek Noversation Green Charger Plate (2pc) ($405)

The plates I use came from Target, and I can definitely think of better ways to spend $400. While these aren’t hideous, the last thing that I want to see when I’m eating a pizza is a picture of a women’s flat stomach and toned arms. I would probably just feel guilty about pigging out the entire time …. actually these plates might not be the worst idea.

8. Seletti Toilet Paper Little Butt Table ($416.25)

This table looks like it should be in a frat house; and trust me, you don’t want to decorate your house like a frat house. Forgot about owning a “conversation piece,” there is no way that this little table should be involved in your adult(ish) life whatsoever.

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crazygirlfriend

Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at crazygirlfriend.tsm@gmail.com

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