The Final Showdown: Bachelorette Style

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The finale of The Bachelorette is quickly approaching, and I couldn’t be more excited. I let out a huge sigh of relief that Emily didn’t die tragically in a murder-suicide at the hands of Crazy Eyes Chris during the Tell All, and I can now make predictions with peace of mind. I would bet all of the money in the world that the relationship that comes out of this is ultimately doomed, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the good times. There has been a lot of debate over who people think will win and who people think should win, so let’s break it down:

Jef

We first met Jef riding in on a skateboard, sporting his winning smile and stupid haircut. He sure is cute, but in that ‘I just want to pinch his cheeks and carry him around in my pocket’ kind of way. At the beginning of the season, Jef pretty much ignored Emily and just chilled with the rest of the bros at the bachelor pad. For a while I thought he was playing hard to get, but I’ve now realized it’s because he still thinks girls have cooties.
Jef would be a fab playdate for Ricki, but I’m not so sure he’s “husband material” for Emily because he’s Mormon and she’s, well, not. I think Jef’s parents are secret members of the YFZ community and don’t believe in television and/or they’re still on trial for polygamy and child molestation, hence their mysterious absence on the home visit episode. I don’t necessarily have evidence to prove this besides the fact he has about a million siblings. They can’t all be from the same mom! It would take at least three Michelle Duggars (19 Kids and Counting) to birth that many people. Also, his sisters kept asking if Emily and Jef had the same “beliefs.” Red flags all around!

At the end of the day, I’m pretty sure this hypothetical relationship would crash and burn faster than a relationship with Arie because Jef pretty much IS Peter Pan. He wants to be a child forever, apparently has no parents to speak of, is firmly attached to his virginity, and I’m almost certain he is a ‘Lost Boy’. I’m sure Emily finds Jef exciting and fun, but even Wendy had to grow up and leave Neverland eventually.

Arie

A much hotter version of Zach Braff and a racecar driver to boot! Sounds like a dreamboat! In my opinion, Arie was the most attractive bachelor this season by a landslide. This isn’t exactly a great accomplishment, as he was up against a slew of meatheads and ICE’s (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) most wanted, but he still deserves a pat on the back. Arie also sported the most foreign parents, making him ‘unique’ and ‘exotic’ in a way that only Dutch heritage makes possible.

As cute as he may be, there’s just something about his personality that rubs me the wrong way. I think it might be the fact that he has no personality. I can see why Emily likes him so much, but you can’t go around saying “you get me” over and over when y’all barely come up for breath from all of that face-sucking. Arie doesn’t get Emily; his TONGUE gets Emily (horny! See what I did there?). I also don’t like how he just throws around “I Love You” all the time when he’s only shared a total of 4 minutes ‘getting to know’ Emily this entire season. No wonder this show always leads to such lasting relationships. I shouldn’t be complaining though, at times Arie and Emily’s sloppy MOs were the least boring parts of the episode.

Predictions

I’m about 86% sure Emily will pick Jef in the end. His little boy charm and innocence is like catnip for Emily, and him being the only bachelor not showering her with attention just made her want him even more. I’m a reluctant member of Team Arie since I think that relationship would last at least 2 more weeks than Emily and Jef, but unfortunately Emily just doesn’t know what’s good for her. Let me know what you think will happen Sunday!!

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  1. Guns and Glitter

    I’m certain she’s gonna pick Jef. She should pick Arie though, but I think since Jef turned her down for the overnight date and she never bothered to invite Arie to stay with her for the overnight date she’s gonna pick Jef.

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