The First Five Girls To Get Married

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When you joined your sorority you were more focused on mixers than marriage, some ladies have a different obsession. It’s hard to wrap your mind around, because you struggled with committing to so much as a formal date, but directly after graduation some of your pledge sisters will have shiny rocks on their fingers and prisoners husbands on their arms. While you’re obviously mentally preparing for your beyond fabulous wedding, like any sane girl who is absolutely single with no prospects for marriage in sight would do, you’re not quite ready to send out your save-the-dates during your senior year, so the harsh reality that other people are ready to tie the knot may come as a shock. Figuring out, beforehand, who’s bound to be engaged directly post-graduation may lessen the inevitable blow to the ego that comes with the engagement announcements in your very near future.

1. The Girl Who Wants To Get it In

She’s extremely religious, which means she’s waiting for a husband before she gets down to business, which means she needs a husband sooner rather than later. Everyone suspects some kind of hijinks, because of the obsessive amount of time she spends with her future betrothed. You know her suppressed wild side will result in a wedding bash for the ages. Her wedding will be perfect, because she’s had so much time to plan it (it turns out, when you don’t spend four entire years blacking out and making out, you have time for lots of other activities). Prepare for the party to get a little wild, because you, and everyone else, know what’s going down that night.

2. The Blackout Bride

You saw this girl blackout more times than you saw her sober. You figured she’d spend her twenties being the same hot mess she was at every fraternity party, but because she got everything out of her system in a condensed period of time, she’s ready to settle down by the end college. Her wedding is low-key, because she hadn’t been planning it at all. Her main focus in college was crafting her shocking mixer costumes and showing off shack shirts, so this will come as quite a surprise.

3. The Pinterest Princess

This bride doesn’t care who her groom is, as long as he looks half decent in a tux. He’s just an image in all the glorious photos she’s pinned over the years. The sister in question has probably been cutting out bridal magazines since puberty, hiding them under her bed in case a gentleman caller came by and caught a peek. Her wedding will be sweet, but a little too crafty. Mason jars really shouldn’t be used for everything, and those ironic koozies are missing the mark just a little. Some things should be left to professionals.

4. The Girl Who Was Already Married

Throughout all four years of college the joke was “She’s not coming, she’s off somewhere with her husband.” She was nice that one time you talked to her, but most of the time she was MIA, practically living with her practically husband. Her wedding will be the least wild. After all, there’s not much to celebrate when she and her long-term boyfriend were already married in everyone’s minds. At first, this engagement seems like it’s the easiest to deal with because they should be getting married, but then you realize someone your age should be getting married. You then feel a hundred years old, and start to question your own wild wonderful life, desperately trying to remember the name of the boy you hooked up with over the weekend in an attempt to make yourself feel better about your shambley existence.

5. The Shotgun Surprise

The wedding of the bride who got knocked up will be the most fun of them all. Girlfriend was always down for a good time, apparently too good a time, resulting in premature nuptials. Her wedding will be a shitshow since no one, including the bride and groom, was ready for it to happen. The groomsmen will spend their entire day pre-gaming, and their entire night using very mediocre, very drunken seduction skills on every lady under the age of 45. They will treat the country club like a frat castle. The best man will give a speech with multiple expletives, and the bartender will cut someone off before the party even begins. This wedding is basically a mixer, but with more mistakes, because let’s face it, it started out with one.

You’re now ready for the inescapable shift in your news feed from sloppy formal pictures to even sloppier wedding pictures. The engagement announcements clogging your Facebook may make you feel wild and wasted, but don’t fret. You’re having fun. You have the rest of your life to be married and fulfill your duties as a soccer mom. You only have right now to be young and fabulous.

Plus, weddings are pretty much the best time ever. You get to hang out with almost grown-up frat boys and there’s an open bar. It’s like a fraternity formal, but better because adult influence prevents awkward grinding. If it’s a destination wedding you get to go on a vacation to somewhere exotic, or at least somewhere interesting like Arkansas. You get to witness the future bride going wild for the last time at her bachelorette party. Plus, you never know who you’ll meet. Maybe you’ll be the next bride. Or maybe you’ll just take the best man home instead.

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