We all know the drill. You wake up from your post-final Friday class nap and shove your school bag away where it won’t bother you until late Sunday night. You then get ready with some sisters and head to your favorite bar where you post up with a pitcher in your right hand and your dignity slowly slipping from your left. No matter how many times you declare a “Ladies Night,” deep down, you know you’re there to meet your night’s entertainment in the form of a tall, dark stranger in Sperrys and a button-down. Whether or not you find him right away depends on a mixture of how good you look and how many bombs you’ve thrown back while reciting “Fuck it” in the back of your head. You also know who to look for and, more importantly, who to avoid. To be specific, there are about five types of drunk guys that will hit on you at bars. I almost feel bad generalizing the entire male population into the following categories, but hey, stereotypes exist for a reason.
1. The Frat Star
First, and most common, the painfully drunk, self-proclaimed frat star. This is the guy who looks like J Crew threw up on him. He’s always double fisting something generic like a Bud Light, and you can be sure there’s a cigarette tucked behind his ear. The one refreshing thing about a drunk frat guy is that he’s not going to come at you with some one-liner like “Have we met before…because you look like my next girlfriend!” No, this guy thinks he’s way too hot to need a pickup line. He’ll abandon his frat pack and strut on up to you, saying something straightforward like, “Hey, you drunk?” He doesn’t need an invitation to talk to you, either. Just the fact that you have tits and you’re in the same vicinity as him obviously means you want his dick. He’ll keep his shit together because his brightly-colored polo button down cost his parents $60, and he’s NOT going to fuck it up. If this guy approaches you, you can guarantee that he’s first going to ask if you’re Greek, and if you answer that correctly, he’ll buy you a drink.
2. The Double Leg
There’s that guy who is hanging out with a bunch of frat guys, but he’s a little off. You know, the guy who is wearing letters, but his haircut screams double legacy. He’s drinking something hipster-ish like a PBR, and he’s looking slightly uncomfortable. He’ll have a weird name, too, like Griffin or Damon. I have to admit, I fucking love these guys. They always prove for interesting conversation, and they always have fucked up stories to tell. They say shit that inevitably leads to awkward silences; I totally eat that shit up. He’s the philosophical drunk guy, too. You know, he’ll finish his tenth Kraftig and be like, “I just feel like getting a job is pointless, ya know?” and you totally agree with everything he says. You leave the bar being like, “Holy shit, I need to go buy a beanie and take up photography.” Another good thing about this guy is that his friends always like you. They’re just really happy that he’s talking to you instead of the weirdo GDI he usually brings home. I always fall for this guy. My friends give me shit for it, but I’m just like Rachel McAdams in The Notebook screaming, “YOU’RE NOT GONNA TELL ME WHO I’M GONNA LOVE.”
3. Persistence is Key
You will, for sure, run into that really annoying guy that HAS to talk to you. He’ll be wearing a shirt that says “YOLO” or “SWAGG.” You just know once you make eye contact with him, this fucker is going to be a constant annoyance in your life for the next three hours. Once he has started, he will not stop. He’ll get a drink for you before even approaching you, so you have to literally refuse alcohol that has been presented to you, which is just downright painful, but you have to be strong, because he is nothing but persistent. If you don’t make it known right away that you are not interested, he’s going to grope the shit out of you all night. This weekend, I was out with my friend, and we met the epitome of this character. This dude is like fifteen feet away, staring at us when all of a sudden, he just points at us, pauses, points at himself and his friends, and then smiles and gives us a thumbs up. Look, I’m not expecting you to send a pigeon with a poem written in blood, but seriously, a fucking point? He then came over and pestered us until Sara repeatedly told him, “Just no.” I’ve found there are only two ways to shake this guy off. Either tell him you have a boyfriend — maybe tell him he’s in the ROTC too, just to give him an image — or if that doesn’t work, tell him you have herpes.
Probably the worst guy you’re going to meet is the guy who is just looking to start shit. He’ll hit on you and be a total gentleman to all your friends. He’s obviously loaded and is buying rounds. Just being a total baller. Then, right when you’re mentally high-fiving yourself for scoring such a great slam, he’ll try to start a fight with the drunk and obviously smaller kid at the table next to you. He’ll say something he thinks sounds real tough, like “The FUCK you say to me?” Then, you’re left sitting there like “Wow, Tarzan, your brute strength and aggression is so appealing! Oh wait, no it’s not, and you’ve officially ruined my night.”
5. Life of the Party, But Definitely Puking Later
You have to be sure to meet that guy that is so drunk, he’s buying drinks for the whole bar. This guy has had too many tequila shots, and he’s doing weird shit like sliding down bannisters and requesting the Black Eyed Peas. He’ll buy a tray of fifteen shots before even knowing who he’s going to give them to. He’s going to talk to you at some point, but only for a minute or two. He’ll probably ask you a weird question to settle an argument he’s having with someone, just to bring you into the conversation, and then, whether or not you have any idea what he’s talking about, he’ll keep talking to you. You’ll see him periodically throughout the rest of the night, but that’s the extent of your time with him. There’s really nothing you can do for this guy, except pray he has a friend who is sober enough to remind him to close his tab at the end of the night. Spoiler alert: He doesn’t. He totally came alone.
I really can’t even complain about these guys, because the list I could make on the kinds of drunk girls at bars would be ten times worse. It’s not even a double standard, we’re just honestly more annoying. I’d like to formally apologize for setting feminism back like three hundred years, but someone had to say it. So even though I may bitch about these guys, I love them all. Any of you drunkards are welcome to buy me a vodka cranberry any time. Except for you, Double Leg. I’m expecting a PBR and a camel from your hipster ass.