OH HEY WHASSUP PNM AND WELCOME TO MY CRIB! Come on inside and let me show you around! Our house is nicknamed Thug Mansion because as predominantly upper-middle class young women, we clearly identify most with G’s and hustla’s. I’m so excited to show you our pad; I know you’re going to love it, because I’m only going to show you the best parts. I’m also going to liberally sprinkle the tour with little white lies so that you will leave thinking we live a life on par with Legally Blonde. Get excited, girlfriend!
Let’s start with the formal living room. Here is where most of the pictures you stalked before recruitment started were taken! I’m now going to gush about how the girls and I all constantly study in here, when in reality the only time we really use it is as a base to touch down at before we go out for the night. The furniture in here is super pretty, but it isn’t particularly comfortable, and our house mom would go ballistic if we ever stained anything. That still doesn’t stop a small number of girls from leaving forgotten dishes in here for someone else to pick up.
Okay, now let’s move on to the dining room and kitchen. Usually, our kitchen is locked because one of our dear sisters of years past decided to go on a drunken rampage and ruined privileges for everybody. It’s fine though, because our chef usually takes really good care of us. Oh, did I mention we have a chef? Yeah, and if you look over to your left you’ll see a “Weekly Menu” board that is covered with delicious meals planned out. When you move in, you’ll realize that some of these lunches/dinners were made up and that no one updates the Menu board past the first week of school, so the best way to figure out what’s for dinner is to get in good with the house boys.
Now let me take you upstairs to the main TV room. This is where we all pile in to watch the Bachelor on Mondays! I don’t even watch the Bachelor, but I’m still going to tell you this with a smile and a giggle like it’s the most original and fun plan ever invented so that you will want to join my sorority and thus join in on the viewing fun. This room is most often used for hungover movie marathons. Some of our older and less important awards will be put on display here. I will point to them and tell you a charming anecdote about winning some fraternity’s philanthropy for the tenth consecutive year.
If I haven’t already, I will hand you off to one of my best friends so she can finish your tour. This degenerate is either my big, little, or a girl in my pledge class who I bonded with over our affinity for fraternity men and whatever our mutual favorite alcoholic beverage is. She will take you upstairs to the bedrooms. This is where the magic happens. Just kidding, boys aren’t allowed in bedrooms ever, but I have always wanted to say that. She will bring you into several different meticulously decorated bedrooms. It is safe to say that after tours are over, you will not be able to see the floor in any of these rooms until it is time to move out, because they will be so covered in glitter/clothes/half-finished crafts/textbooks. In one of the bedrooms, she will pause to tell you a funny story about having a sleepover with another sister while at the same time wishing she could tell you the funnier story about when another sister drunkenly snuck a guy into her room.
Finally, you will be escorted out the door in a cloud of smiles, sparkles, and it-was-lovely-to-meet-you’s. You will decide that our house is the most amazing place you’ve ever seen, and will laugh when you become a member and realize how artificial house tours are. Then, you too will be filled with glee at the prospect of tricking the next batch of young ones, because this is how the sorority world works. .