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The Mindfucked Friend: How to Help

It’s an understatement to say I’ve been on the receiving end of some high level mental manipulation. I thought it was so cute that my first “boyfriend” in college would introduce me to all of his guy friends as his girlfriend, until I ran into his former roommate a year later who told me what was going on: it was his go-to move to make you ignore all the other sketchy shit he would do and his boys were in on it. Any time I was mad at him for treating me like crap, I would leave the conversation feeling like it was my fault for making him think that I had not wanted HIM to make/keep plans with me. That relationship ended with the one and only time I have ever actually been PSYCHO: I managed to quiet down an entire college bar at 1 AM by yelling “I AM NOBODY’S TUESDAY NIGHT SLAMPIECE!” He then got down on both knees and started singing Brooks and Dunn to me. I stopped ranting, cried, and left with my guy friend in order to prevent him from punching the d-bag for canceling on me to “do work,” then taking some bitch to the bar I worked at on a night he knew I was off.

“Cool story, Sratire,” I know. However, I felt it necessary to provide background on why I struggle so much being the supportive friend when I see someone on the receiving end of some shitty behavior by their significant other. It’s hard for me to watch them go through the same process we all go through until we finally end up either happily married to that one-in-a-million guy, or jaded enough not to give the benefit of the doubt, and decide whether or not you care given what you want out of the relationship. I’m not suggesting that you always assume the worst, but you come to grips with the fact that if you’re doubting him, something is wrong, and it’s not a healthy relationship when you don’t trust him. Either just deal with the fact that he might be banging someone on the side or leave. Note: This only applies if you’re mature enough to communicate about your feelings like an adult.

The thing is, the only way to get to that point is to spend time in the trenches. I’m sure the guys reading this will suggest the simple solution of dating honest, upstanding gentlemen, but in the demographic that appeals to the average sorority girl, most of those guys are either honest enough to know that they aren’t looking to settle down right now. The rest are unwilling to risk putting themselves out there and actually ask out the girl on a date. Sure, they exist, but they’re not by any means in the majority at our age, which is why the first few times a girl ends up in the “talking to and hooking up with” relationship, she will desperately make excuses for the guy. You did it too. And I am willing to guarantee that what finally made you give up was hearing more than once one of the following:

– “If he wanted to talk to you, he would call you.”
– “If he wanted to see you this weekend, he would make plans.”
– “If he respected you, he would want to see you in the daytime.”
– “If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he would have done that by now.”
– “If he cared for you, he wouldn’t be doing whatever he is doing when you have told him already that it hurts you.”

The thing is, though, there’s no easy way to deliver that advice. And there is absolutely no way for it to sink in except for repetition until she hears it at JUST the right time. Tell her that if her refusal to be the one who calls first on a day when he had previously told her he wanted to hang out is what causes him to think she is not interested, he doesn’t have the confidence to be worth her time. Tell her that if she cries over him on a regular basis, he’s not making her happy and that she deserves better than that. Promise her that in a healthy relationship, she won’t spend time daily doubting his feelings and intentions, even if you don’t believe it yourself. Ask her what she would say to YOU if you came to her with the same situation. The “you deserve better than him” line is old, but in these situations it’s true. The only girls who deserve the mindfuck don’t have any female friends anyways because they are so slutty/crazy, so I promise you that if you’re saying it, it’s true. She might hate you for a while for not telling her what she wants to hear. But she needs to hear it, and if you value your friendship enough, you need to take that chance. Best of luck, ladies.

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