As the snow melts away, so do your layers of winter clothes. You may start to panic when even your favorite pair of Spanx no longer helps you look skinny as you trade in your North Faces for crop tops. Beach formals are now only weeks away, but never fear. The perfect solution is right under your little powder-stained noses. As always, I’ll be your spirit animal guide to help you achieve your skinny dreams.
Since your body will soon begin withering away due to lack of solid calories, you’ll need some caffeine to stay alive. We all know coffee is useless without four pumps of caramel syrup, 2 percent milk, and whipped cream, so you’ll need Diet Coke’s zero calorie goodness to get you through the day. Sure it’ll erode your teeth over time, but not by spring break. By the time that becomes a problem, you’ll have a super-rich plastic surgeon husband to take care of it anyway, so drink to your heart’s content.
Don’t want to sacrifice partying for your diet? No problem! You won’t be eating anything all day, so you’ll have the calories to expend for drinking AND you’ll get plastered faster. If that’s not an added bonus, I don’t know what is. All you’ll need is a full bag of Franzia, a can-do attitude, and a sister to hold your hair back at the end of the night. Losing calories has never been more easy.
Didn’t get your flu shot this year? Excellent. Use that to your advantage to get the spring break body you always desired. Not only will you completely lose your appetite, but anything you put into your body won’t stay there long. Unlike your “study aids,” however, this might be a little harder to procure. Some helpful hints: drink out of strangers’ glasses at the bar and make out with everyone you lock eyes with at a party. It may not be sanitary, but hey, the flu isn’t the only disease you can catch that’ll help you lose weight quickly.
Need to study for finals AND suppress your appetite at the same time? Meet Adderall, the solution to all of your problems. Those acquaintances you have in lower-tier frat houses will finally become useful as you wheel and deal your way to skinny perfection. Just make sure you wait the proper amount of time before applying to any new job. Just kidding, I totally made myself LOL with that one, too.
The Buddy System
Every now and then, weakness strikes. As much as we hate to admit it, sometimes our drunken, deprived stomachs cry out for the cheesy carbiness that is Taco Bell. Even Karen, our favorite slutty mean girl, can relate to this problem that we all have but hate to admit. This is where the buddy system comes into play. Pair up with your skinniest frenemy–you know, the one you love to call a slut every time she wears a bodycon dress. Call her, text her, or DM her every time the phrase “loaded griller” pops into your head, and let her berate you with insults until you resign yourself to water with lemon. You’ll thank me soon enough when you’re passive aggressively telling your actual friends that the bodycon dresses you borrowed from your frenemy are now too loose on you.
Buying Clothes Too Small
Daddy’s credit card limit isn’t going to max out itself. Buy clothes two sizes too small, and begin withering away in anticipation of wearing next season’s hottest trends. Hanging them up as inspiration and feeling sad every time you have to put on your fat pants should give you enough motivation to get into your new purchases soon enough.
Sometimes even the most well-laid plans can fail us, and by “most well-laid plans,” I mean the transactions you attempted to set up with frat boys you’ve scorned for the past three years. You can still look skinny (enough) in your profile pics by opting for high-waisted swimsuits. Of course, it will come at the cost of justifying yourself to everyone that “they’re all over Pinterest!” and you certainly won’t get laid, but at least your muffin top will be securely hidden so you can still have dairy and daiquiris for days.
Proper Diet And Exercise
…….nah, I think we’re good.