Last week, middle-aged housewives across the globe are feeling overwhelmingly #blessed. Why? Oprah’s Favorite Things 2013 has been released! After further review, the items on this list don’t only apply to bored 40-somethings needing gift ideas for the holidays, they are ideal for a sorority chick. Not only do I wish Oprah my bottom bitch, but I wish she was my big so I could get one hell of a Christmas present.
Let’s break down her favorite things.
1. Phone Charger Cases
“These bright, sleek cases not only protect your iPhone, they can charge it, providing up to 80 percent extra juice. I have one on my phone at all times.”—Oprah
We’ve all had that stomach-sinking feeling after walking out of the house for the night when we realize our phones read 20%. It’s impossible to estimate the number of hours we’ll keep the night going, the amount of pictures we’ll need to take, or the overflow of texts we’ll need to send to exes. How many bad decision can 20% hold? Most importantly, if that percentage doesn’t last, how will I call a sister in the morning to pick me up from that rando’s house? Not only cute, this will save many drunken nights.
2. Truffle Popcorn Kit ($94)
“One of my favorite snacks is popcorn sprinkled with truffle oil, so I’m thrilled that Sabatino has created this dream kit. It contains Pipcorn (hulless popcorn, one of last year’s Favorite Things), black and white truffle oils, and truffle salt.”—Oprah
Truffle popcorn is the Beyonce of snacks. We all pretend to believe the myth that popcorn is healthy and we munch on it in absurd quantities. How fabulous will you and your roomies feel pairing truffle popcorn and boxed white wine while watching the latest episode of Scandal?
3. T-fat ActiFry ($250)
“Anyone who follows me on Instagram knows that I went gaga over this gadget, which lets you fry four servings of potatoes using only a tablespoon of oil. A truly low-fat French fry! Heaven has arrived.”—Oprah
Damn, I can have french fries AND Oprah says I’m skinny? The world is one step closer to healthy pizza.
4. UGG Genevieve Boots
“Love, love, love! I think these new tall boots from Ugg Australia are gorgeous—they can be worn up or cuffed down, and the leather bow and piping make them extra special. Uggs are still the warmest boots I own.”—Oprah
UGGs are up there on the list of girl clothing guys hate, along with granny pannies, high-waisted jeans, and sweat suits. UGGs will always be pretty ugly, but Oprah, and the rest of us, are still wearing them. The Genevieve boot hybrids a slipper boot with a riding boot, so the cuteness increases. Plus, these have a bow.
5. Monogram Gloves ($150- $250)
“Made of supple Italian leather and lined with cashmere, these gloves are already pretty close to perfect. But add a hand-painted custom monogram by artist Logan Real, and I’m so sold.”—Oprah
Anyone sporting these should feel like one luxurious bitch, Olivia Pope style. There’s not much to say about gloves, except if you don’t have them, you’re miserable and cold. Nothing mentions iPhone compatibility-bummer. On the other hand, that flaw is disregarded by the fact that the gloves sport a hand-painted monogram.
6. Toulouse Jewelry Box ($295)
“Here’s one storage item you won’t want to stash away: This velvet-lined jewelry box by design guru Jonathan Adler has a glossy orange marbled exterior and gold foil details, making it as stylish as the baubles you’ll put inside.”—Oprah
Dilemma of the decade: tangled Yurman. First-class solution: this jewelry box. We all have nice jewelry, make it easily accessible so you can flaunt it more often. Bonus point, this puts an end to the scavenger hunt for your pin minutes before chapter.
7. Modern House Red Wine ($13 each)
“Want to be a witty dinner-party guest? Bring one of these statement-making bottles, all containing a delicious proprietary red blend from the Napa Valley. Cheers!”—Oprah
Okay, how much fun are these? Sipping from these bottles, the picture opportunities never end. For a good, old-fashioned belly laugh, place the “expensive” bottle next to your sluttiest friend. And of course, who doesn’t love the time-honored gift of alcohol?
8. Present Cake ($79)
“Calling Sam Godfrey a baker doesn’t do the man justice: He is the Matisse of desserts. His latest creation is this moist, delicious chocolate cake, layered with salted caramel truffle cream and wrapped in fondant and a white-chocolate bow. It’s a happy way to end a holiday dinner.”—Oprah
I know we all love to bake, but this cake looks fucking delicious. This is a way to one up any simple bitch arriving to a holiday party with cookies. If it was 3 Wise Women, instead of men, they would have born Yurman, champagne, and this damn cake.
9. Champagne Glasses ($20 each)
“Champagne gets even more festive when sipped from these dishwasher-safe flutes, handcrafted in Naples—but available at a very domestic price.”—Oprah
Champagne. TSM. Red works for 1. America, 2. Holiday, 3. feeling force. Oprah’s advised flutes will force $5 Andre taste like the elegance of $70 Veuve Cliquot.
10. Urban MuuMuu Lounge Tunic ($122)
“Unbelievably huggable (it’s made of Supima cotton, modal, and spandex French terry), this ankle-length, pocketed gown was born lounge-ready. And did I mention it comes with a matching headband?”—Oprah
Possibly the least sexiest thing ever. You would need balls of steal and an extremely whipped boyfriend to wear this around of him. Does this come with a free chastity belt and a sign that reads “I’m not getting laid tonight”? Literally, the WORST item of clothing for a guy to see you in. But I want it. I want it bad. In the sorority house, a guy-free zone, you would embrace the most formal, elegant, bad-ass version of your sleeping self.