Freshman year is simultaneously the best and worst year of college. It’s awesome because everything is new and fresh and you’re on your own for the first time, which is exciting. It sucks because you’re a freshman in college. You suddenly realize that the tests and papers are way more difficult than they were in high school and how are you supposed to study when there’s a million parties going on at the same time? Freshman year is overwhelming, and I can’t tell you everything you need to know. Actually, JK. I totally can, and here it is. The ‘Intro to Freshman Year 101’ syllabus. Because trust me, you need it.
August 27
Lesson: What books to buy (read: not buy).
Homework: Realize that you’re going to use maybe one of the required ten books for your classes this semester. Sell the ones you’ve already bought and put the money towards something useful, like wine. Rent the books you do need, or borrow them from one of your 180 sisters who took the class. They’re hunting for littles right now and will literally do anything for you. Seriously.
September 1
Lesson: What to wear to class.
Homework: Go home and take off the cute sundress and heels you’re wearing, as class is literally such a waste of a good outfit. 60 percent of the class is hungover and 40 percent is looking at the board and teacher, not you. Return tomorrow in Nike shorts and a tank.
October 1
Lesson: What to wear to go out.
Homework: Take a good hard look at your closet and ask yourself who you want to be: the very obvious freshman, or the could-maybe-pass-as-almost-twenty-one sophomore? Throw out the ten billion Forever 21 bandage skirts and crop tops and keep just two of your favorites.
November 7
Lesson: How to tailgate.
Homework: Buy a cute-but-also-sporty-tee from the bookstore. Put a ribbon in your hair and pair the shirt with high waisted ripped jean shorts. Make sure to get a cute Insta pic standing in the bed of a pickup truck with a bottle of champagne and you’re set.
December 1
Lesson: Coming to terms with your drunk texting.
Homework: Get too drunk at your first social, text the boy you met in class “hey r u goign out tn,” get no response, and wake up hating yourself for blowing your chances. Then get real with yourself and realize it’s going to happen a lot over the course of the next four years and it’s actually no big deal. He was probably flattered anyways.
December 6
Lesson: How to survive winter break.
Homework: Eat, cry, get yelled at for not doing the dishes, consider getting a job, and convince your mom that no one will hire you for only six weeks. Then resume eating, watching Netflix, and missing school.
January 9
Lesson: How to cope with realizing you’ve gained The Freshman 15.
Homework: Flip through pictures of yourself junior year of high school and slowly accept the crippling defeat and realization that your collar bones will never stick out like that again. Use this sad realization as an excuse to buy new clothes. It’s all about the silver lining, right?
February 13
Lesson: How to figure out boys in college.
Homework: No one fucking knows.
March 15
Lesson: How to have a successful formal.
Homework: Ask a boy to formal after picking your perfect candidate, take way too many shots at the pregame, take 1,000 pictures with your Greek fam because you’re loving being the baby, and black out the rest of the night.
April 26
Lesson: How to take finals.
Homework: Spend 99 percent of your day asking people nothing but, “How’s your studying going,” and, “What’s your finals schedule like?” Attempt to study at Starbucks before realizing that’s only good for a Snapchat of your laptop next to your coffee. Go to the library to actually study until 2 a.m.
May 7
Lesson: How to ensure everyone knows you had a better freshman year than they did.
Homework: Pic Stitch seventeen pictures together in some contorted collage in which your friend Amanda’s face is literally the size of a speck of dust. Make a caption about how the year flew by and how you made the best friends of your life and are going to miss school so, so much this summer. Bonus points for captioning it “1 down, 3 to go.”
Ah, to be young..
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