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The Only Part Of The ESPYs You Need To See

ESPYs

Do you have a boyfriend who made you watch the ESPYs last night? Dump him. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Are you, conversely, trying to impress some dude with your wicked sports knowledge? Of course you are. Because girls are liars. That’s why we wear makeup and push-up bras.

I watched the whole thing last night, because I was like “I’m Queen of the Basics. I’ll do it for my people,” and I just wanted to see if there was anything worth seeing. Mostly, there wasn’t. The Kardashians were there, and Caitlyn Jenner gave a badass speech, but other than that it was just like. Whatever. Sports.

But something kind of cool happened. UFC fighter Ronda Rousey won best female athlete last night. Don’t worry, that’s not the cool part. She also won “best fighter,” beating out ALL THE BOYS. WOO. GIRL POWER. But that’s also not the cool part.

Floyd Mayweather was up for best fighter. He also just so happens to be a piece of shit who beats women. He also, also just so happened to have pretended not to know who Rousey was in an interview, even though she’s one of the biggest names in fighting. It’s like having to reintroduce yourself to some drunk dude at a party for the fifth time, but worse, because it matters. Background knowledge on fleek? Good.

Then this happened.

Ohhhhhh. Burrnnnnnn.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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