The Plight Of The Almost Mega Hot Girl

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The Plight Of The Almost Mega Hot Girl

There is the weird phenomenon that affects a very small population of pretty girls. They have trouble landing men. Not so much that they can’t reel them in once they’ve got one, it just seems that no one ever wants to bite. It’s always that girl who is teetering on the edge of “She’s so effing pretty I hate her” and just your average pretty girl, in whom you could easily find flaws if she were boffing your ex-hookup. You’re constantly telling her “You’re way prettier than Amy!” when she comes to you, insecure about not having gotten any attention that night, and for once, you actually mean it. Why is it, though? Is there some glaring flaw in her that she developed since your initial meeting that you’ve neglected to notice? That doesn’t make sense, because you’re a fairly hyper-critical bitch, and while you’d love her anyway, you’d notice if she suddenly turned ugly. It’s not the fact that her personality actually just kind of sucks, because guys don’t even get far enough to know that. Serious case of bitch face? It’s possible, but you’ve seen plenty of arched browed bitties looking up at potential suitors as they suck their vodka sodas down through a straw. There’s no explanation you can devise, so I’ve come up with one for you.

These girls, afflicted with a pretty face, but a life of solitude, are experiencing the plight of the almost mega hot girl. She’s a beauty, for sure, perhaps prettier than most, but she’s not THE most beautiful girl in the room, and despite what you may think, it sucks. Every girl’s father tells her, at some point in her life, that she’s temporarily experiencing a lack of male attention because she’s “too pretty,” and guys are “intimidated” by her. Of course, this is bullshit for most people, and is constantly discredited when you notice the hard 9s and 10s out there being fawned over by guys who fall anywhere on the spectrum of attractiveness. No, Daddy, the girls who are actually too pretty seem to be doing just fine.

It’s come to my attention, however, that your father mightn’t have been quite as off-base as he seemed to be. Hookup culture and copious amounts of alcohol may have caused a slight shift. A guy sees a 9 or a 10, and he knows that if he approaches her, he’s probably going to get rejected, but he’s just so taken by her beauty, and hopeful that she might be too drunk to notice his lack thereof, that he’ll try to talk to her anyway. He expects denial, but if for some reason, she seemed into him, it would just be so worth it. The risk here is great, but it’s worth the reward, so the absolute prettiest girls go on living their life as the hottest girls in existence, never quarreling with self-esteem or self-image issues. Lucky us them.

Once we knock it down a few pegs, we enter the realm of the “average-pretty” girl. These girls are definitely pretty enough for any guy to enjoy talking to. No one feels he’s slumming it enough to be embarrassed to be talking to, sleeping with, or even dating an average-pretty girl, but there’s no doubt in his mind (or hers), that her beauty is not extraordinary. Because most girls are generally most comfortable with a guy slightly less attractive than she is, average-pretty girls are not difficult to impress. They’ll happily accept attention from any guy, so long as he’s not a cave troll, because they don’t expect it from every guy, which is exactly why so many guys talk to them. Unlike the exceptional beauties, guys don’t really think they’re going to get turned down by a 7-ish, because honestly, they’re not. The reward may be a little lower, here, but the risk is pretty low too, so unless a guy’s really confident, it’s often just easier to go for the safe bet. She’s pretty enough to talk to, but not so pretty he needs to worry about wasting his time on a dead-end.

Then comes the poor, little almost really hot girl. She’s not so gorgeous that she’s worth worshipping, but she’s still pretty enough that guys know she’s not a sure thing. Think 8.5. Too much risk, for not enough reward. So they skip over her. If they’re feeling like a gambling man for the evening, they reach higher. If they don’t feel like putting in the effort, they stay lower, and your poor super-pretty-but-not-super-pretty-enough friend gets jipped, and is forced to feel like she has a heinous case of psoriasis, only visible to men.

If this is you, I’m SO terribly sorry. While your bouts of self-confidence issues are annoying to both the girls who don’t have a need for such issues, and to the girls who look at you enviously, it makes sense because it’s like…how are you supposed to know you’re pretty if guys aren’t constantly telling you so? Find solace in the fact that you’re not actually ugly, and you’re not actually alone. Maybe someday you’ll overcome this. I believe in you, almost mega hot girls, I believe.

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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