I’ve known I wanted to be a sorority girl basically since kindergarten. While all the other six year olds had dreams and aspirations of growing up to be dolphin trainers or trophy wives (but when we were six we called the later “Barbie”), I always knew I wanted to be queen. Not the president — that required being an wrinkly old man with responsibilities. Not a princess, because that meant Mommy was still in control. A queen.
As I grew older I realized being a queen and being a dominant sorority girl were pretty much the same thing. A queen is a woman who can bend the rules, who always gets what she wants, and who people (read: frat boys) basically worship. A list was recently released of some strange powers the Queen of England has, even further proving she’s basically the ultimate sorority girl.
1. She can drive without a license.
In high school we had a designated driver rotation within my friend group meaning you would be the designated driver for one weekend then be off the sobriety hook until it was your turn again six weeks later. This seemed like the ultimate system until I came to college, joined a sorority, and was introduced to the free chauffeur service commonly referred to as “pledge rides.” Having unlimited access to free rides by cute boys left no need for a car much less a driver’s license.
2. She doesn’t need a passport to travel.
If by travel you mean “hop from one frat party to the next,” then this is beyond true. Being in a sorority means that no
pesky peasants pledges have to ask you “who do you know here?” or question why you are wearing one fraternity’s letters to their fraternity’s party. Your first name is all the credentials you need.
3. She gets to celebrate two birthdays.
If you don’t celebrate your real birthday as well as your fake ID birthday you’re doing it wrong.
4. She has her own private cash machine.
Everyone wishes they could be that one girl who flaunts her daddy’s gold AmEx like it’s a free friendship token.. which it basically is. This is the girl that offers to pick up everyone’s bar tab, isn’t afraid to approach guys and ask if SHE can buy them a drink, and is known for giving out front row concert tickets as birthday presents.
5. She owns a lot of animals.
The ultimate sorority girl isn’t afraid to claim every fraternity’s new house puppy as children of her own. Her Instagram is littered with photos with not only the frat hounds but also with baby lions and elephants from her four community service trips to Africa. Not sure if these trips were majority philanthropy or photoshoot but nonetheless her perfectly posed pics rake in the PNMs.
6. She doesn’t have to pay tax.
What even is tax when you get everything from drinks to dresses for free?
7. She can basically never be arrested.
If you have ever spent the night in the drunk tank, I’m sorry to tell you, but you are no longer a contender for the title of “ultimate sorority girl.” The ultimate sorority girl can puke on an officer and still sweet talk her way out of it. She has a list of pickup lines to get her out of any traffic violation and has flirted with enough of the police department to have powerful connections in all the right places.
8. She is head of a religion.
If you don’t have a running list of at least five guys in every fraternity that actually worship you I don’t even know why you’re reading this. This is a basic necessity to be considered powerful. These guys would do anything from lick your big toe, to slurp vodka off the sidewalk if you so wished. Can you say “bow down bitches?”.