The Scientific Formula For Calculating Your Number, Situationally

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Nice Move

The Scientific Formula For Calculating Your Number, Situationally

We all know that your actual number is top secret, much like the Da Vinci Code and how many plastic surgeries Joan Rivers has actually had. Everybody makes mistakes, and there’s no point in punishing yourself for a few too many transgressions during college for the rest of your life. Everybody’s number is different, but I think the key to having a believable number is making one up that’s appropriate for every situation. There’s a little bit of math involved, but trust me, it’s better for everyone if you follow the formulas and leave a few one night stands where they belong – in your past.

Your Boyfriend

Obviously, you don’t want to look like a slut, but you also don’t want to lowball so much that it’s obvious you’re lying. If you have mutual friends, there’s a good chance he already knows about a few people you’ve hooked up with. He might even know a few personally. Everyone knows a good relationship is based on trust, so it’s important to make your boyfriend trust that the number you’re telling him is the real number. It needs to be both believable, and semi-honorable.

  1. Take your real number
  2. Subtract the number of one night stands you never talked to again
  3. Divide by 4
  4. Add the quotient to the number of people he knows you’ve hooked up with
  5. Subtract 3

This leaves you with a number that says, “I’m experienced, but not in a bad way.” You can chalk a few people up to high school, or summer flings, and a few to “sort of” relationships. If your result is a decimal, it’s usually best to round down, unless you get a solid .5, in which case you can lie and say one person was an amputee you hooked up with on Memorial Day because you love America.

Your Girlfriends

This is tricky. These aren’t your besties, but they aren’t exactly new acquaintances. You don’t want to look like a slut, but you don’t want to look like a totally boring prude, either. Having a high number makes you look like some sort of over-experienced sex guru. Just look at Samantha. Having a super low number, however, causes most girls to treat you as some fragile human being that shouldn’t be in the same room as them on Sunday mornings. It’s best to go with a middle of the road number, I’ve found.

  1. Take your actual number
  2. Average it with your friends’ numbers
  3. If it seems acceptable, you can give that number. If It’s still high, divide by 2
  4. Add your age
  5. Subtract 17.

Your Frenemy

This is a double-edged sword if there ever was one. You want a number that says both, “You’re a slut and I’m perfect,” as well as, “more people find me sexually attractive than you.” How do you do this? Well…

If her number is crazy high:

  1. Subtract the age at which you lost your virginity from her number
  2. Divide by 3

If her number is unbelievably low:

  1. Call her out for lying
  2. Find your real number
  3. Divide by 6
  4. Add 2

Note: if this brings you to the negatives or with some otherwise undesirable number, just say you’ve slept with seven people.

Your Mother

Fuck her. Discussing sex with your mom is less fun than a gyno exam but slightly more fun than getting dry socket after having your wisdom teeth removed. She probably isn’t an idiot, so she knows you’re not a virgin anymore. You want to be realistic, but you also want to escape her harsh judgment, because for some reason, she thinks you actually believe she was a virgin until her wedding night.

  1. Take your real number
  2. Divide by 0
  3. You can’t divide by 0, even I know that and I only passed calculus because I slept with my TA
  4. Sorry if you’re reading this, Mom, but it’s true
  5. Start at 0
  6. Add in the number of boys you’re POSITIVE your mom knows you’ve slept with
  7. Add in three for good measure
  8. Prepare for a judgmental look, and possibly a disapproving eye roll

Your Father

  1. Start at zero
  2. Make no adjustments to that figure at all

Your Best Friends

You don’t want to lie, but you probably have to.

  1. Take your real number
  2. Subtract your biggest regrets
  3. Just deal with it, we’ve all made mistakes

Yourself

It’s probably a good idea to know how many people have actually penetrated you. A game of just the tip doesn’t count, and a sloppy, drunken, half-naked, makeout shouldn’t merit as much shame as a full-fledged sexcapade. I suggest keeping a hidden notebook with a list, or a password sensitive Excel spreadsheet. Excel’s great, because you can create all sorts of filters to organize your list — by date, by your ranking, by last name, by earning potential, or by their fraternity. I knew my business degree was good for something.

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