The Stream Of Consciousness That Occurs When You See A Former Hookup On Campus

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The Stream Of Consciousness That Occurs When You See A Former Hookup On Campus

It’s just your average afternoon. You’re walking to class, or more realistically the tanning salon, sipping your second venti skinny something with an extra shot of espresso of the day, thinking about how unhealthy the amount of caffeine you consume is. You occasionally get distracted by your reflection in store windows, when suddenly you see him in the distance. Your ex-hookup.

You begin panicking. Maybe it’s not him. You always perk up when you see that sandy brown hair under that stupid visor he always wears. Five percent of you is always on the lookout for him, and it’s never him. What makes you think it’s going to be him this tiiii– it’s him. Shit. Shit. Shit, shit shit. God, he’s so cute. Why did you end things with him again? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t. He stopped texting you after you threw up on his couch. Well, that’s embarrassing. Maybe he forgot.

He’s really far away. Maybe he will turn? Who are you kidding, he’s not going to turn. His house is literally in the direction you just came from. Why do you know that? He lives in a different place from where he lived when you were hooking up. God you’re such a creep. Unless maybe he’s going to his girlfriend’s house? It’s possible for him to turn right up there, then! WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT! Creeeeep!!!! Fuck. He didn’t turn. Seriously, what do you do. Your heart drops down to your uterus as he nears. You need a diversion. Do you possibly want to stop into any of these buildings? Let’s see. The comic book store…no. The chicken wing place…fuck no. Planned Parenthood? Why don’t you just sacrifice what remains of your reputation now. You’re going to have to face him.

Where’s your phone. You start digging through your bag. You literally always carry your phone in your hand. Fuck that venti right now. Where’s your phone? Why’s your bag so big. Shit, he’s getting closer. Girl, it’s time to give up the act. You’re not going to find it if you keep digging, and you’re just going to start looking like a rabid armadillo. Do armadillos get rabies? Do armadillos even dig? Whatever, not the point. It’s going to highlight your discomfort and that’s not an option.

Ohhhhh, look at this interesting alley coming up. Is that a squirrel in it? How chic! This will definitely be able to catch your attention for long enough to distract you from this beautiful ASSHOLE. Except it won’t. Just look down. No, don’t do that. Nothing says “I’m totally ashamed, embarrassed, uncool, and unconfident, and you were totally right to stop talking to me” like looking down. Why hasn’t anyone you know passed you? Literally, every time you go anywhere you pass a sister. WHERE ARE THEY ALL? Was there some sort of emergency meeting you’re unaware of. Seriously, you’d give anything to see even that bitchy girl who slept with that fraternity’s social chair, single-handedly making them refuse to have mixers with your sorority.

You’re getting close. He doesn’t have his phone out. You wonder if he saw you yet. You know what? He probably doesn’t even remember you. Wait, no, that’s crazy. He saw you naked. Every Thursday and Saturday for three months, he saw you naked. Wow, you have so much self-respect. Fuck, you’re such a slut. Well, the point is, he knows who you are. Here he comes. Moment of truth……

“Hey.”
“What’s up.”

God, you played it so cool.

***


Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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