Tonight’s the night. The night that either urges you to contemplate kicking your ass into shape or committing suicide. Right on schedule, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show pops up during the holidays. You know it’s coming, but you still hope maybe we’ll just forget it this year. But hating it is part of the tradition. So buckle up & fill your cup. Here’s this year’s guide to blacking out during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.
Take a sip when:
- A model blows a kiss or winks. (c’mon these are necessities)
- The camera cuts to a famous audience member.
- A model waves or claps for herself.
- You wonder who the hell came up with this concept for the show. Honestly, what does “A Road Ahead” even mean?
- You miss an OG angel. *Moment of silence for Candice, Miranda, Karlie, & Behati*
- You know they used cutlets in their bra. You ain’t slick, b.
- A model is wearing something absolutely ridiculous.
- There’s a wardrobe malfunction. Peep Gigi.
- You lie and announce your New Year’s resolution to join a gym.
- You’re proud to see some diversity in the lineup. Not everyone’s born Brazilian, Ed Razek.
Take two sips when:
- You wonder how much those wings weigh. “Do you even lift, bro?”
- You get pissed that these girls are preggo & still look like that. Bradley Cooper, you lucky bastard.
- You question why the fuck they chose Bruno Mars. Diamonds > 24ct Gold.
- You stuff your face with queso, pizza, candy- whatever, some sort of junk food.
- You find yourself slurring telling your BFF that she has “natural beauty”.
- You stop yourself (or a friend) from drunk crying.
- Gaga should be singing absolutely anything other than John Wayne. Hello, Fashion!?!?
- You think about logging on and grabbing some 7/$27.50 panties. Why u keep raising prices, VS?
- Someone backstage says something overly encouraging as if they need their perfectly toned asses kissed a little bit more. “Adriana, always a star!!” #AkonVSFS #NeverForget
- The only wings you care about are bbq/hot/honey bbq/ wings.
- Jasmine walks down the runway in the Fantasy Bra. Literally chug the entire time.
- It dawns on you that it took KenGi precisely 6 minutes to “earn” their first set of wings. *Rolls eyes*.
- You wish you were a part of Taylor Swift’s crew. I know she’s not even there but more than half of her squad is so honestly who cares.
- You start typing up the inevitable, confidence-boost booty call.
Finish your drink when:
- You wish you looked half as good and had half the class swerving an ex fuckboi as Bella Hadid does while kinda sorta swerving the fuck out of The Weeknd.
If you’re like me; short and more than likely not going to change your bad habits after the holidays.. or ever.. there’s always that 5’8 (barefoot) height minimum to use as an excuse! In the mean time, happy excessive drinking and maybe start small with more realistic angelic New Year’s resolutions like matching your bras to your undies or not using the c word as much..