I would like to preface this by saying I think the Westboro Baptist Church is a deplorable organization who only perpetuates hate and crimes of ill will. I don’t think it’s a decent example of a religious movement, because I think any real religion should focus on finding a way to make the world more peaceful, not ignite a violent streak in its members.
That being said, I think the radical religious ground and I have finally found common ground: a mutual hatred for Taylor “I Write Songs About How I Wish I Could Crash Someone’s Wedding” Swift.
Praise be, or something.
The hate-fueled “religious” group, based out of Topeka, KS, plans on picketing Swift’s sold-out show in Kansas City, MO on August 3 because, well, according to them, she’s a whore. The church let everyone know in a press release that:
“[Taylor Swift] works her ‘girl next door’ country-singer shtick while hopping from one young man to the next and strutting across the world stage like a proud whore.” The release goes on to say that Taylor “Rat Face” Swift “grew up to be the poster child for the young whores of doomed-America [sic].”
Alright, well those are some harsh words. Listen, I can’t be one to judge anyone for promiscuous behavior, but I’ve never once tried to act as if I were some pure soul who had never played a game of deep throat. I hate Taylor because she tries to act as if she’s some innocent little girl who gets her heart broken by these mean boys. Newsflash: she’s not. She’s a psycho who’s recently turned into a child predator, and she can’t figure out if she’s slutty or not. It’s annoying. She needs to pick one gimmick and stick with it. Is she the preacher’s daughter? Is she a jezebel? I don’t care, but I don’t like her because she’s a closet whore who won’t own up to the fact that she puts out more frequently than a Bourbon Street hooker.
Westboro Baptist went on to say that if Swift were the good Christian she pretends to be, she would use her massive influence on young tweens to, “promote the standards of God,” instead of “whoredom, fornication…that filthy lifestyle.”
What, pray tell, should Swift preach to her young fanatics? Hasn’t she already been saying “if you sleep with a lot of boys and give terrible head, you’ll get dumped alot, but as long as you dress like a kindergarten teacher and write whiny songs about it you’ll be okay?” The church suggests she tweet “Stop fornicating ladies, and obey God,” to her nearly 30 million Twitter followers.
I hate to say this, but I think the church is finally saying what the rest of us have been unable to articulate: Taylor “Fornicator” Swift is just a girl who gets too emotionally attached to the guys who only see her as a fling. She might be the definition of a needy girlfriend, if only because she doesn’t realize that John Mayer doesn’t commit to 19-year-olds. Taylor Swift has “slampiece” written all over her — she’s mediocre-looking and has a terrible personality, but clearly she loves taking a dick. I imagine she’s a viable hookup option, because she’s so visibly desperate. What’s unfortunate is her disillusion that she’s “involved” with guys who hook up with her three times. She wrote a nearly seven minute long song to John Mayer for not calling her back after raw dogging her in a studio after they recorded a duet. GET OVER IT, TAYLOR. Move on! It happens!
I hate Taylor Swift because she’s annoying in interviews. She tries to play up the “humble, awkward” act, but we all know she’s just a raging bitch who thinks she’s making a huge statement to all of the douchebags who never called her back. In real life, guys break up with you because they don’t want you anymore. No matter what you post on social media or what you tell people about them, they don’t give a fuck about you anymore. Let’s just take a look at some of the guys who have recently penetrated Taylor to verify this.
- Joe Jonas — Is he the gay one with the reality show? No? Then he’s fine.
- Taylor Lautner — He still has his abs. Looks alright to me.
- Jake Gyllenhaal — He’s fine.
- John Mayer — Fucking Katy Perry and being broody. I don’t think he misses her.
- Conor Kennedy — Well, he’s a recent high school graduate who is going to go hook up with a ton of Kennedy-chasing slutty freshman college girls. I think he’s coping.
- Harry Styles — He’s a 19-year-old billionaire. He’s English. He wears skinny jeans and dumb hats. I don’t know if he’s necessarily okay, but he did kick Taylor “I Dress Like a Sunday School Teacher” Swift off Branson’s private island so he could hang out with slutty fans. By the looks of things, he’s surviving.
Basically, the Westboro Church hates Taylor for the same reason I do: she’s a fake bitch, and instead of just owning the fact she’s fucked (and been rejected by) every male in Hollywood, she’s embarrassed by it and tries to shift the blame of her rejection on the guys who were just using her in the first place.
I think she needs to take a stand, and do it fast. Become a nun, or release a sex tape.
Your move, Rat Face.
[via Huffington Post]
Image via Associated Press