He’s the one who answers “How are you feeling?” literally. “Good, but that taco was a mistake. Will keep you posted.” The only thing worse than a guy who’s emotional is a guy who’s emotional all over Facebook. We get that you just went through a breakup, we saw when your relationship status changed, but we didn’t need to know you’ve been listening to Taylor Swift for days because of it. Thanks, Spotify. While it’s fascinating that sex with your ex sucked, Mafia Wars, which may or may not be worse than Farmville, is not the answer. When this boy desperately tried to give away his ex’s sorority shirts from date functions, you were almost willing to claim them to shut him up. Yes, she belongs to your rival sorority, but you’d
burn donate her letters to Goodwill if it meant he’d stop crying all over the Internet.
The Amateur Sportscaster
Guys love sports as much as we love our littles, and while we may not understand why, we know it’s their thing. The occasional picture or status update about the game can be a completely appropriate way to show they care. However, the guy who’s convinced he’s a professional newscaster, making incredibly specific and overly optimistic predictions, is the reason people write books like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. You’re going a little overboard in your fanaticism, guy, and it’s starting to get weird. While I don’t particularly mind the shirtless picture of your team’s quarterback, it’s creepy that you posted it, after ten other pointless, wildly incorrect posts. Spoiler alert: ESPN can’t see your updates, and you should be glad about that, because you’re usually wrong.
The Brother Lover
This boy expresses his love for his brothers the way you do for your sisters. He’s in a bottom-tier fraternity, but thinks if he can just explain how great it is, you’ll totally want to mix with them, or at least go bowling with them, and that they’ll finally have the opportunity to hang out with some girls. He’s obsessed with winning Greek Week, even though that won’t help him get it in with anyone. If you’re that into your fraternity, you should save the love for Pinterest, not Facebook. That’s what all good sorority girls do.
The Saturday Night Slammer
Every picture of this boy features a different lady of the night. After hooking up with him you take a quick peek at his page, only to realize that all of your sorority sisters are now also your Eskimo sisters. His check-ins show that he’s out looking for girls nightly, and his pictures prove that he’s proud of it. Usually you refrain from posting photos of your hookup of the moment because of how short-lived the situations tend to be, but date functions mean photographic evidence. This boy has been tagged in so many pictures with girls that you start to wonder exactly how far your Eskimo network now extends.
You hooked up and had a solid (but drunken) good time. You get ready to see if he’s as cute as he was in your browned out haze, and nothing. Maybe he’s applying for jobs, or maybe his grandmother forced him to be her Facebook friend. Whatever it is, he’s on lockdown. He’s unstalkable, and you’re an expert. You can see a few pictures, but options are limited. Each picture features at least five of his brothers, and you’re not entirely sure which is him. You think about sending a friend request, but realize that after one night together that might creep him out, especially since you didn’t exactly exchange last names. You’re left to your own imagination, wondering how you’ll figure out what he looks like,
so you can start planning your life together just so you know.
The Fabulous Bro
This boy seems to lead the most glamorous life of anyone on Facebook, including your sassiest sisters. He somehow managed to find an off-campus apartment that doesn’t suck, and filled it with real furniture, instead of the dirty futons you’ve grown so accustomed to. He always orders bottle service, even at your campus bar where you didn’t even know it existed. He loves to update you on the Patron he’s sipping, so you never forget, just like you would have done freshman year. You can’t help but wonder how many of his pictures are photoshopped to include the entirety of the Miami Heat’s starting line-up, though, because you kind of doubt that D-Wade actually is his number one wingman. The pictures of the beach vacation he’s on look fabulous, just as fabulous as he is, which you’re starting to realize is a little too fabulous for any man who doesn’t like men.