The Worst Walk Of Shame Story You’ll Ever Read


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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. In other words, it was freshman year. In typical fashion, I blacked out at the previous night’s “Neon or Not On” mixer and blacked in the next morning in a dingy twin bed in a frat house. I don’t remember how I got there, but what I do remember is taking shot after shot with my president. After that, it was all kind of a blur.

Fast forward to the next morning. I quickly deduced that last night’s mistake was not a member of the fraternity that we swapped with, and I had never met or seen this guy before. The stranger next to me was actually pretty hot, so I gave myself a quick mental pat on the back and went back to trying to get my life together. Wondering how I ended up in this situation, I looked around the shared room and found my freshly revealed big in the bed next to me. Welp, that explains a lot.

I quickly found my clothes (minus my underwear, which are forever lost to the frat house), woke my big up, and told her it was time we both get the fuck out of there. Because we were both still drunk, my big decided the most rational thing to do was to steal the half empty bottle of Svedka in the room and take pulls from it while we waited for a cab to come get us. By the time the cab got there, we managed to make a pretty huge dent in the bottle. We were happily buzzed once again. My big is an angel, and therefore instructed the cab to drop me off at my freshman dorm first, so I would still have time to make my Friday morning classes.

An important thing to know about my freshman year dorm is that it’s right next to my university’s visitor parking lot. When the cab dropped me off, it dropped me off in the visitor lot and I had to walk through said lot to get to my dorm. It was late March, so a bunch of high school kids were on spring break and had used that time off to visit colleges. Nerds. One girl in particular had a very memorable experience that morning.

As I was semi-drunk stumbling through the parking lot in my beer stained, neon attire, I saw a girl’s parents giving me dirty looks. Because I have no shame and was high on liquid courage, I began to aggressively yell at them that “You can’t judge me, only God can” and “This is going to be your daughter next year.” I then proceeded to puke all over the ground… and myself, completely destroying any shred of dignity I might have had left.

Needless to say, I think that girl decided on attending a different school in the fall.

Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at:

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