I hate periods. I hate the word. I hate what they are. I hate the fact that if I don’t get mine, I immediately Google “pregnancy signs” while trying to finance the high tech stroller I’ve always had my eye on. Still, for us lady-folk, they’re just a part of life.
And for awhile we just pretended that they didn’t exist. We’d shove some cotton up our vaginas and carry on about our days, smiling through the pain of cramps. Then, people decide that that was dumb. “Free-bleeding” became a thing. Period panties became a thing. And for some strange reason, equality got mixed up with periods in a weird, gross way.
Now, some people think that periods are “beautiful.”
And I’m just going to call bullshit on that real quick. I don’t need to explain why or how. Blood is gushing out of your vagina. It’s gross. Shut up. So when Barbie’s less hot, but much more realistic and relatable sister, Lammily, reached that special age, her creators decided to give her the curse of menstruation. Because even if you’re a doll, you can’t have nice things (or white pants).
A graphic designer turned toymaker, Lamm created the Lammily Doll in 2014, which comes with a sticker-extension pack to add other things that can be seen as taboo, like cellulite, freckles, acne, scrapes, bruises, scars and moles.
But [now] she’s more than prepared for this crucial rite of passage, thanks to the $10 Period Party extension kit. Described as “the fun way to explain the menstrual cycle to kids,” creator Nickolay Lamm wants to start a conversation about periods and the stigmas that surround it.
“It’s just what happens in real life,” Lamm told TIME. “We wanted to put it on the doll so it’s not a scary thing.”
Which is why the kit comes with an educational pamphlet explaining what to expect from a menstrual cycle plus a pair of doll underwear, 19 colored pads, a calendar and stickers to track periods.
But wait. It gets worse. They also released this educational and embarrassing video to better explain the doll.
So, okay. If these are your parents then getting your period is the least of your problems. If anything, you’ll think the blood in your pants means that you’re dying, which is probably somewhat exciting considering who you’re living with. Still, I wish everyone would just calm down instead of acting like we’re discovering periods for the first time. Sure, they don’t need to be taboo, but do we really need to advertise it like it’s an effing trophy?
Yes, I think men and women should be equal. And yes, I think men and women should both be respected and given the same opportunities and be able to eat the same foods or whatever. That being said, men and women are very different from each other. And both of them have gross qualities. Men, for example, get semen on basically everything. They tend to smell, and their backs get extremely hairy. But we usually, sometimes kindly, ask them to aim their jizz, wash their balls, and shave their backs to make the world a better place.
So in the spirit of equality, can’t we just all agree that periods are gross? Or at least agree that not everyone has to think that they’re beautiful? As for me, I’d rather not put that curse on my Lammily doll. I want her to live a life of no blood and lots of hot Ken dolls who are totally over Barbie’s abs and want a little junk in the trunk.
I am so sorry Lammily. Welcome to menstrual hell..
Image via Lammily