Last week I Googled “fake nipple piercing.” I immediately cleared my browser history and promptly burned my computer so no one found out, but not until I got some answers. Ever since the once-trashy nipple piercing became trendy, people everywhere have been *insisting* that it is the thing to have. From celebrities to the annoying girl in your new member class, women everywhere are saying that if you don’t have your nipples pierced, you’re wrong.
And I was just like the rest of you. I looked down at my undecorated nipples with shame. I asked my friends with piercings about their journeys and I researched whether or not I needed to get both punctured. And despite everything I found out, one thing stuck with me:
It hurt. Like, it really fucking hurt.
Everyone assured me that they’re only sore for a little while and afterwards it’s soOooOooOo worth it because of sex/coolness or whatever. But the thing is, I’m a little bitch when it comes to pain. Like, a little baby back bitch. I have passed out with each and every one of my eight (I know, am I maybe a bad girl?) piercings. I can’t handle tattoos for longer than a few minutes at a time. And I’m pretty much crying every second of my life.
So hearing about how bad these piercings hurt, I knew it would be almost impossible to get me in a chair, get me to pull up my shirt, and watch as some guy comes towards my tit with a needle. And after researching magnetic nipple piercings (I kid you not. I researched this for my own personal being. I am that person. I hate myself too), I learned that not only are they not functional, but they *also* hurt like hell.
And so I thought that was it. I thought that I would never look like Kendall Jenner (not considering the whole she’s way taller, skinnier, and prettier thing). And then, thankfully, the company called Life in Perfect Disorder made the most hideous shirt to ever exist and now my fake-nipple piercing dreams are coming true. Basically what they are are normal shirts (and hoodies and whatever else) with piercings where nipples would be. On the outside of the shirt. Because #fashion.
What. The hell. Is this? I know we all want to be cool, but isn’t the whole nipple piercing thing cool because you like, went through pain to get it? Isn’t that what makes it hot? And also because your nipples become more sensitive or something? How does having them on the outside of a shirt accomplish this? NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A SEXY LITTLE SECRET THAT YOU LET POKE OUT WHEN YOU WANT TO FEEL BAD. This is not it. This is not right.
Now, considering that I have a Hogwarts Snuggie non-ironically, I am obviously not the person to tell people what to wear. But holy shit if people start wearing these, I will give up on everything. Seriously. I’ll just stop fucking trying because this is absurd. All I can do is whisper “please don’t let this be a thing. Please don’t let this be a thing. Please don’t let this be a thing,” as I rock myself back and forth on the floor under my desk.
But whatever. I mean if this is your thing, fine. Do you. I don’t care. But just know, the pain you’re putting me through by making me aware that these exist can’t be as bad as getting a needle through my nipple. Nothing can be as bad as this..
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