I will admit when I have a problem. Sometimes. I’ll admit I have a problem when something traumatic happens. When I spend $145 online shopping but couldn’t get approved for a Target credit card, I thought it was time for a self intervention about my online shopping habits. Then my clothes came and they were perfect so I no longer cared. So instead of CHANGING myself, why don’t I ACCEPT myself by justifying shopping online with other negative habits? #LoveYourself
1. I am petty
We all act a little petty every now and then. Off the top of my head, I am currently on a flight and the person in front of me was annoyingly jerking their seat back and forth so I shoved my knee into it and held it there so they’d stop while I pretended to sleep even though we had just gotten on the plane five minutes earlier. It was more work for me to do this and hold my leg up there than to simply deal. I also looked up my ex’s school email and signed him up for a bunch of email subscriptions about horses. I am that Extra™ girl who you don’t mess with because I won’t make your life hell, just irritating but not so much that you could ever really say anything without me claiming you’re “overreacting.” This one’s probably worse than online shopping because it’s just plain annoying to other people, whereas when I online shop I’m only hurting myself.
2. I demand a very specific amount of attention
My brain moves fairly quickly so I get bored with people if they lack sufficient means to supply my need for attention. But then if they give me too much I think they’re clingy. So to summarize, I am clingy asf but I absolutely despise and distance myself from anyone who clings to me. This tends to confuse people so I’d say it’s worse than online shopping because I could see maybe how that sends mixed signals which also bug the shit out of me. I have been working on this however. For example, thanks to the new iOS update, I no longer double text to get someone’s attention, I just “emphasize” the last one or twelve messages. Very effective life hack. I also know I am needy so now I simply say “give me attention” like it’s a joke or something. They most often think it is a joke and I am “chill” and then supply me with the attention. Wow I could write an entire article on the petty ways I gain attention.
3. I am too lazy for my own good
A shift from the last two points where I really do the Most™. In reality, I try to do as little as possible to achieve my goals of substance. I am around 3-5 minutes late to a class at 11 am that is 2 minutes from my sorority house where I live. Nobody really notices my lateness since they probably just assume I’m coming from somewhere far instead of the length of a suburban Starbucks parking lot. I also hate the cold, but I live in a cold place, so I will avoid experiencing the elements as little as possible. I take the bus to go one stop, maybe a block. Maximum. The free bus system is included in my tuition, I’m just taking advantage of what is rightfully mine. This also involves ordering delivery and paying $5 extra for food that is six blocks total away. Screw it, I did that when it was summer too. I’m only really hurting myself with this one, but I’m paying for shipping essentially which to me is an online shopping sin, so it’s pretty bad.
4. I might have a mild actual addiction
Nothing serious. But I really think I have some addiction to caffeine. But not coffee, well it will work, but specifically diet caffeinated soda. I have to thank my dad for intervening here because when he drove me back from school once I drank a 20 oz Red Bull to which he looked disgusted that I could drink and fall asleep at a “reasonable” hour. But at the same time I blame my mom, who drinks at least two Diet Cokes between the hours of 7-10 am. From a toddler age, I envied my older sister and mother for being able to safely drink Diet Coke. I even have a prominent fond childhood memory of some doctor’s appointment where my mom asked if it was okay for me to drink Diet Coke and the doctor said yes. I also have a prominent negative one of me drinking a large Diet Coke at a church retreat and this hating 10-year-old hoe told me I would die of cancer before age 20 because of the aspartame. (Sidebar: guess what beyotch? Your estimate expires in two months.) I’m not joking about drug addiction, as I get that there is much worse, but I may or may not have had some withdrawal headaches which affects my physical versus financial health. Whatever. Maybe next year when I actually have to purchase caffeinated soda versus get it from my house soda fountain or parents’ fridge, I’ll curb it. Then again I could always just fill up a pitcher.
5. I am the most impatient person I know
“My five year plan doesn’t include lines” is my mantra. I will do anything to avoid a line. I have no shame. You always hear those statistics about how long you spend wasting your time doing mundane activities. I’d like to see one for lines. Scientists probably know but won’t release it because it would create complete anarchy. I’m here for a good time not a long time, but if I am here for a long time, I want it all to be good and that means no time to stand in line. People who walk slowly also cause me trouble as they burden my effort to be mildly late to nearly everything and are essentially dragging out my transport time as if I had to stand in a line. I actually don’t see anything wrong with this habit but I just included it because I feel like it’s not socially acceptable to have the patience of your recruitment chair near the end of work week at all times.
So I see that perhaps this ended up being more justifying my trash behavior than having anything to do with online shopping. Which is also bad, but I will continue to do it. Like all of these things. Whatever. At least I’ll look cute..