This morning, someone claiming to be Samantha Schacher (hopefully pronounced “shacker”) reportedly filed a complaint against Johnny Manziel, requesting $25 million and a restraining order for sexual harassment. In her complaint, Schacher brilliantly brings up that Manziel’s penis measures in at 4.5 inches–she claims it is so small, she’s traumatized. Everyone knows that the best way to fuck with a guy is to tell him he has a small penis. What’s he supposed to say? “No I don’t?” Ha! Okay, needle dick. Everything in society revolves around the size of a man’s dick. It’s why they don’t want you to sleep around. They don’t want you to see big penises, because they’re afraid they won’t compare. What I’m trying to say is that Freud is my favorite psychologist.
The complaint goes on to describe lewd acts on the part of Manziel, including, but not limited to, photographing his penis inside a hot dog bun, asking Schacher to strip at LeBron’s crib, and referring to his peen as a Vienna sausage. As far as life-ruining goes, this is all pretty hilarious. Absolutely against the rules of life-ruining, however, is actually ruining someone’s life. The report also claims that Manziel used performance-enhancing drugs and accepted gifts from Texas A&M’s football coaching staff. Not cool.
Samantha Schacher denied having filed the suit via Twitter.
The person believed to be behind the lawsuit, defaming myself and Manziel is a serial filer Jonathan Lee Riches: http://t.co/h2E6J1elgg
— Samantha Schacher (@SamSchacher) May 23, 2014