This Girl Lost Her TSM Coozie In A Wild Night — Should We Send Her A New One?


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This Girl Lost Her TSM Coozie In A Wild Night -- Should We Send Her A New One?

This day started out like any other. I came in, got a coffee, checked social media, and then I was faced with a serious issue plaguing the world and I knew I had to act.

Dearest TSM and whomever this may concern:

As an avid reader of TSM/TFM/PGP, I know a little bit about how things work in the world of greek life humor. I am not the funniest of the bunch, however I am known in my chapter for being very organized and efficient.

This is not to say that I do not know how to have a good time. My Thursday-Saturday nights are wild enough to prevent even the pope from being able to wash all of my sins away. I am quiet sure I am going to hell, but that is okay because all the best people will be right there with me.

Introductions aside, I will get down to why I am emailing the TSM support.
Last night, I had one of the more tame nights of this term, however it ended on a sad note. I was daging (day raging) at my favorite fraternities when my friend bet me I wouldn’t get one of nipples pierced. Never backing down from a challenge, I called her on her bet and told her we could leave right now and go to our local tattoo/piercing shop which was about half a mile away.

Being so far away (and I was decently drunk at this point) I did not want to walk, so I called my big and asked her to get us. I had expected this to be a little bit of a wait, however she was already running errands and responded with “be there in 2” and I was not prepared.

I told my friend that my big was coming and we quickly went upstairs to grab our remaining alcohol to continue drinking post nip piercing. While grabbing my lululemon bag full of coors light (sorry, I am poor right now) I set down my half full can. This brings me to my main point.

I had been representing TSM by using my koozie which I had stolen from my ex-boyfriends frat (because he is not as frat as me and didn’t deserve it). I was so overwhelmed by my drunken state and being hurried by my big that I left the koozie on the beer and did not grab it before leaving the frat.

As soon as I got home I realized my mistake and called my best friend in the frat and asked him to look for it. As expected, it was no where to be found. Now someone else gets to keep their cheap, watered down beverages at a drinkable temperature and I am sad and do not have my favorite koozie.

I do not know how to get another koozie, so I am asking you to help me fix my drunken mistake and please send me a new koozie. I followed through with my dare and got my nipple pierced (it looks pretty cool) and I would not like to think of that night in vain due to my drunken forgetful state.

TSM is a life style and I love displaying how SRAT I am when I am out at parties, so please hook it up with a new koozie.

Best and most sincere wishes,

[name redacted]
But everyone calls me Kathryn when I am blacked out

Kathryn, as she’s blackout known, and will hereby be referred, is a badass. She acquired a TSM coozie in the best way to acquire things: she stole it from a boy. S-move. And from there she used it to assert dominance over all the non-Greek plebes every time she drank. ‘Nother S-Move.
On what she refers to as a “tame night,” she decided to get her nipple pierced on a whim — nay, a dare, which is perhaps even funnier. Not wanting to be known as a pussy, she dropped everything she was doing to go get the deed done on the immediate. Her responsible big was running errands at the time, which proves just what kind of degenerate we’re dealing with here. In her haste, she left her TSM coozie behind.


She then wrote me 500 words, in an email with the subject line SOS MAJOR KOOZIE CATASTROPHE!!! She means business, people. So I’m putting it up to a vote. What do you think? Do I send her a coozie or what?

Should we send her a coozie?

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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