If you would have met me in high school and/or early college, not only would you have wanted to smack the shit out of me, but you probably would have had to deal with my garbage can relationships. Ever since my lady balls dropped, I have been a “girlfriend” kind of gal. So as I dated asshole after asshole, and subsequently broken up with asshole after asshole — I became a pro. Not only at how to have a boyfriend, but how to cut my losses and GTFO.
One of my best weapons in successfully getting out of, and starting a new relationship was, of course, The Breakup Book.
I’m not sure how I came about the gold that is a breakup book, but sophomore year me latched onto them and I never, ever let go. From there, my world was opened and I just couldn’t get enough. I became obsessed with books about relationships. I devoured “He’s Just Not That Into You” and moved onto “It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken” and, of course, “Why Men Love Bitches.”
I was a monster. I would write little excerpts in the beginning about how much they ~helped~ me and gave them to my friends in need. Even if they weren’t in need, I’d give them that look, and shoot judgemental glances at their dumb as fuck seventeen-year-old boyfriends. I would highlight the books and refer to them whenever anything happened in my love life. I would follow the rules like they were the bible, and I wouldn’t take shit from Matthew, Mark, Luke OR John (some bible humor for ya). In short: I was a walking, breathing, relationship nightmare.
But guess what? I have a boyfriend. So those books must have done something right.
The only problem is, dating keeps changing. What used to work (like, don’t always tell him what you’re up to keep the mystery alive) doesn’t work as well anymore (because hello? Snapchat? He always knows what you’re up to) and the ways to land a guy (trade some livestock for your hand) aren’t exactly all the rage anymore.
Thankfully, The Betches are here to help. In their new book, “I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies: How To Find Love And Sh*t Like That” they do what all of the other books, your friends, and anyone else who felt the need to tell you how to live your romantic life couldn’t do: they tell it to you straight — without the bullshit.
It’s not a whole bunch of “he’ll love you even if you gain 100 pounds and swear off dick forever” and “it’s fine that you have forty-five cats and don’t shower, guys should be crawling to your door!” They tell you the truth, the real truth, about how to turn a nothing relationship into a something relationship. Or that maybe the guy you’re in the nothing relationship actually sucks and you need to dump him like, yesterday. They cover everything, from when to stop being crazy girl to whether or not you should post that picture of you two kissing on social media. And it’s not only about how to land a guy. It’s about how to keep things interesting after you’ve been dating forever and don’t really shave anymore and all you two do is sit at home and watch Netflix. It’s about how to deal when the “love of your life” dumps you because he just “doesn’t want a girlfriend right now.” And it’s about how to know your worth, and not to accept anything less than what you deserve. But also, how to not be soooo high maintenance that you send every guy running.
Yeah. Getting, and keeping, a boyfriend is fucking hard. But this book actually makes it doable.
So whether you want to know how to flirt (IRL or via your phone), how to win over his girlfriend-hating sister, or whether or not you should take him back after he made out with your sorority sister at formal (FYI, the answer is “no”) this is for you. Not only is it about the least self-helpy self-help book out there, but it will make you not feel like shit for still using Tinder, and how to actually get something out of it, instead of just an STD.
I’m not saying this book will get you a ring by next spring, but I’m also not not saying that. You dig?.
To pruchase “I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies: How To Find Love And Sh*t Like That” click here.
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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