Whether it’s crying in public, kissing every single person at the bar, or yelling at your boyfriend in front of all of his friends, alcohol does stuff to us. That’s why we love it so much. It lets us poison our bodies while simultaneously doing things our sober selves will completely regret. But when it comes to getting smashed, we all have different reactions. Why do some of us wake up next to a random, naked lacrosse player, while others wakeup with a text from our boyfriends saying that it’s over?
According to Telegraph, researchers from the University of Missouri-Columbia seem to have uncovered the answer. They asked 364 men and women to complete a personality test two times. Once for their sober selves and once for their white girl wasted selves. Turns out, our drunk alter-egos fall into one of four categories. Because once we drink tequila, we’re all basic AF.
The Nutty Professor
You know how you like to make out with anything that moves when you take a shot? How about the way you suddenly talk to everyone, crack jokes that you didn’t realize you knew, and dance in the center of the floor like you DGAF? When alcohol touches your lips you always become the life of the party. Twenty percent of people suddenly turn from normal to attention-whoreish when they’re drunk. It’s not you’re fault you’re so popular, you know?
The Mary Poppins
This trait is reserved for the “mom” of the group. Chances are if you’re wiping the tears off of your best friend while she throws up in the bathroom, have hand sanitizer in your purse, or remind people to get glasses of water mid-drinking sesh, then you’re a Mary Poppins. Shockingly nice and annoyingly put together, 15 percent of drinkers can be found in this category. Very unsurprisingly, most of them are females. So while the MP won’t be dancing on the table next to you, she’ll kindly tell you that no one could really see your underwear when you accidentally flashed the crowed. She may not be the life of the party, but she sure as hell is a good drinking friend to have.
This is the lamest/best/ideal drunk. Much like the Ernest Hemingway (that guy who wrote tons of things we pretended to read in high school) this person can toss back an absurd amount of liquor and still keep a relatively level head. Forty-two percent of people claim that they “stay the same” when they drink but I think we all know the truth: they’re just too drunk to realize that they’re dirty rotten liars.
The Mr. Hyde
Sobbing to our boyfriend about how he looked at another girl. Yelling at bitches who we think hooked up with our ex-hookup. The real possibility of getting into a physical fight. Twenty-three percent of people turn into an actual monster when they’re drunk. While most of these assholes tend to be guys, some of us ladies are known to be complete dicks when we drink. Despite the fact that our friends, the bar staff, and random people subjected to our antics hate us when we’re intoxicated, we just love being a hot mess too much to stop.
So whatever. Toss some vodka sown the hatch because honestly? We all suck anyway..