THIS Is Why I’m Single, 25 Reasons

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Nice Move

1. I don’t think sitting around watching you play Call of Assasin’s Creed or whatever it is you play counts as a “date night.”

2. I actually detest people who publicly share they are having a “date night” and I don’t ever want to be in a situation where I might have to compromise my values.

3. I don’t know how to cook, and I don’t have any intention of learning.

4. I would never let someone who expected me to prepare a meal for them actually penetrate me, because it’s 2012, not 1940. Idiots.

5. 100% of my time is dedicated to ME. Even if another person promised to dedicate 100% of their time to me, I still don’t think it would work out.

6. Like any normal girl, I don’t like sports, I don’t like your friends, and I hate any dog that weighs more than 10 lbs. I’m upfront about this and come off as a bitch rather than lying to appease you and be your girlfriend.

7. I don’t see anything wrong with taking two hours to get ready while drinking a bottle of wine and listening to Ke$ha. It’s so rude to rush someone and put “time constraints” on when I’m supposed to be ready.

8. Apparently, it’s frowned upon to flirt with cute boys when you’re in a relationship. No fun.

9. I have no intention of pretending I don’t want a Valentine’s Day present just to avoid an argument.

10. I don’t know anything about this “compromise” concept that people keep talking about, but it doesn’t sound like anything I’d be interested in.

11. Blacking out with my girlfriends is just way more fun to me than having one glass of wine with dinner and going home to have missionary sex.

12. It is so much effort to get to know someone’s mother, pretend to like his sister, and maintain an appropriate level of wine-buzz at family parties you could care less about. It is far easier to get acquainted with this perfectly oaked bottle of chardonnay I have chilling in the fridge.

13. I hear making out with randoms is against the rules when you have a boyfriend.

14. It’s not fun to receive texts about how someone’s day is going. Literally…don’t care. I only want texts making fun of people, talking shit, or hastily hammering out the details of the upcoming date party with someone I’ve just met. Whatever.

15. I have NOTHING in common with males…because I’m a female. I don’t want to talk to you unless you’re telling me how great my ass looks or trying to buy me something. I don’t think that’s considered a relationship.

16. I love stalking…once I actually know someone, the thrill of stalking is gone and all I have left to do is be productive.

17. I’m certifiably, off the reservation insane. Being single gives me no reason to try to tame it. Having a boyfriend means a free-for-all.

18. I have the attention span of a gnat. How am I supposed to actually care about someone’s life for an extended period of time?

19. The most fun aspect of the opposite sex, to me, is the chase. Once I’m in a relationship, it means I’ve totally trained some boy to do everything I want…which is fun for like a minute and then…not.

20. My TiVO consists of: Gossip Girl, Grey’s, Modern Family, basically every show on Bravo, and the occasional Lifetime movie. That is it. There is no room for anything else, and there is no room for complaining.

21. I have shit to do with my life, and I don’t think giving up and getting into a relationship because it’s what I “should” want to be doing with my life is a reason to settle.

22. My skin always looks better when I’m single. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t argue with science.

23. Being single allows me to DATE. DATING means I’m allowed to see multiple people…thus varying my pool of advantages/connections/etc. Narrowing myself down to just one would be stupid.

24. Sometimes, I don’t want to get out of my pajamas all day, and I like being the only person I have to impress.

25. I’m literally so picky about my shoes it’s ridiculous, and they only go on my feet. I’m much pickier about what goes on my arm.

***


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  1. rose_and_white

    Sooooo, you’re single because you’re lazy, kind of a skank, and have the mentality of a gnat? That sounds reasonably accurate but how oh how is this a tsm?

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    14
  2. MissCrimson12

    I’m glad you have high standards for guys but you should REALLY take a look at your own standards. Thanks for keeping the “dumb sorority girl” stereotype alive.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    7
  3. Jon M Fratsman

    My God, you are delusional. You will be a lesbian cat woman in 30 years; I hope you enjoy it. It became immediately obvious upon reading this that you did not have the good fortune to be raised anywhere near the South nor did you ever encounter anything close to resembling a proper breeding or upbringing. I take great pleasure in knowing that the ladies (they deserve that title, you don’t) I associate myself with are literally nothing like this, and I find myself only wholeheartedly agreeing with one sentence written in this entire column: You are certifiably, bat-shit insane. Good day, and good luck.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    6
    • CCR

      Exactly…

      This chick doesn’t like any dogs over 10 pounds? What the fuck?
      Doesn’t like football games?

      I’ll take girls that love Labs, guns, country music, and lifted pickups. God Bless the South

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
      -2
  4. GotEm

    Say what you want, Assassin’s Creed III is about the American Revolution and if you hate that, you hate America. And I’m not going to sit around and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    2

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