This Is Why You Shouldn’t Masturbate And Drive


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Masturbate car

It’s happened to the best of us. You’re in your car on your way to work/class/home when all of a sudden you’re stuck in a giant effing traffic jam. For some annoying reason Google Maps didn’t alert you of this backup, and there’s no way you can avoid it. As you’re sitting behind a giant, barley moving truck, you try to think of something to pass the time. Snapchat a video of yourself signing a popular song slightly off-key? Check. Stalk your ex’s Instagram back to when the two of you were together? Too risky. As you drum your fingers, trying to think of something to do, you remember that you packed your trusty vibrator in your bag for God knows what reason. Nothing like a little midday, mid-traffic action to de-stress yourself in this situation.

It was the classic get-off-while-in-traffic story. Unfortunately for one lady, however, when she lost control of her body, she also lost control of her car. As she was masturbating, she must have taken her foot off of the brake and slammed into the truck in front of her.

The worst part is that as soon as she crashed, she released a fishy smell into the air. No, not because of her vagina, but the truck in front of her was, of course, a seafood truck. As if this whole thing wasn’t ironic enough.

The driver of the M&J Seafood truck was pretty freaked out when it happened. Here he is, first day at his new job, delivering frozen fish to people when all of a sudden he gets rear-ended. After his bosses saw the tape of what happened (captured by the truck’s rear camera) they told him not to worry about getting fired since it wasn’t his fault. While they said the incident is being handled by their insurers, the company thought that it was all pretty funny. According to Daily Mail, they also went on to say that the woman was pretty fit AKA hot AKA guys are fucking disgusting.

While nothing has been released about what is happening to this woman, I think we can all take something away from this. Sometimes, life gets hard. Sometimes you get stuck. But the next time you feel like you have no way to go, try to control yourself. Try to be strong. Try to avoid fucking yourself in public. And if you do decide to get off, don’t crash into a smelly fish truck. Remember ladies: Masturbate with caution and always, always know when to hold down the brakes.

[via Daily Mail]

Image via Shutterstock

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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