17 Thoughts From An Inebriated Fairytale Princess


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Nice Move

Once upon a time there lived a princess, let’s call her Sarah. Princess Sarah finally left her kingdom to go to college, where she quickly discovered these magical feel-good drinks. What she once thought was an evil poison, her fellow college students just referred to it as “alcohol.”

Princess Sarah quickly learned that booze helps you overcome all of life’s obstacles. She could meet her Prince Charming (he found her shoe), or ride off into the night in a carriage (Uber). But throughout the night, those feel-good drinks also made Princess Sarah’s mind do crazy things. Her drunken thoughts began racing through her mind.

  1. Does this old, wizard-looking man really expect me to keep talking to him? Thanks for the drink. Byeee.
  2. Should I give him my real number or a fake one? Definitely the fake one.
  3. Is this guy actually hot or is this a part of alcohol’s powers? Eh. It’s just the lighting.
  4. What’s his name again? Zack? Tyler? Charming?
  5. Should I buy two drinks just in case it gets too crowded later? You never know when you’ll be whisked away on the dance floor.
  6. WHERE IS MY PHONE?! How will I know it’s getting close to midnight? Oops. It’s in my hand.
  7. Should I send him a text? It would be very generous of me to text him, as I’m sure he misses me.
  8. Why did I ever think these glass heels were a good idea? Barefoot it is.
  9. WHY ISN’T ANYONE SNAPPING ME BACK? I posted things to my story because I wanted everyone, especially my dreadful sisters, to see how entertaining my life is.
  10. Is it wrong to have another shot after that marg? I did just read every book in the library. I deserve it.
  11. Why is the women’s bathroom line so long? Hope these kind suitors don’t mind, because I’m going in theirs.
  12. How do I look anyways? OMG. This is catastrophic. Where’s a fairy godmother when you need her?
  13. I don’t know why, but that tabletop is calling my name. I think I should get up there and show everyone my dancing skills.
  14. Should try-out to be a music video backup dancer? I mean, every eligible (and not so eligible) bachelor here has asked me to dance.
  15. Did I really lose my phone this time? I guess I don’t need to be home at midnight anyways.
  16. How bad of an idea would going home with that somewhat charming guy be? He did say just “Netflix and chill,” whatever that means.
  17. I think I’ve lost everyone. Time to find my carriage ride home. Maybe I’ll just settle for an Uber this time.

And Princess Sarah lived happily, drunkenly ever after.

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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