There’s always at least one guy who we feel like we have “dibs” on. Maybe he’s your ex and things were never really finished between you two. Maybe he’s your best guy friend, the one you always liked but never had the lady-balls to do something about it. Or maybe it’s your hot coworker. You know, the one you’ve internet stalked to the point that you know what he eats for breakfast on the weekend. No matter who he is, or how you know him, you can’t help but feel some sense of ownership over him.
But then, one day, it happened. He got a new girlfriend. And she isn’t you. Sure, you’ll play it off like it’s no big deal, since you logically know that your claim on him wasn’t exactly legitimate or legally binding, but internally you’re literally losing your shit from the second you realize that he’s no longer “yours.” That’s when these thoughts run through your head…
- Wait…does that comment say “Look at how cute my boyfriend is!?”
- I’m sorry, what the actual fuck?
- Who the hell is this chick and why is she commenting that on his Instagram?
- Let me just take a screenshot and send it to three (or twenty-three) of my closest friends to make sure this means what I think it means.
- Shit. Consensus reached. He definitely has a girlfriend.
- Funny that he didn’t mention a girlfriend when we sexted on Tuesday.
- I guess he was too busy asking what I was wearing to let me know that his new gf was in the bathroom, fumbling through his medicine cabinet.
- I’m happy for him. He deserves to be happy.
- That’s the mature, adult thing to say, right?
- Fuck.
- I really want to stalk her social media…
- …juuuuust to make sure I’m prettier.
- Must. Resist. Psychotic. Urges.
- LOL. Who am I kidding? It’s either I do it now or when I’m a bottle of wine deep.
- It’s safer to do it now when I’ve only had a glass.
- Or four.
- Alright, steady fingers. Clear mind. You got this.
- OMG she’s HIDEOUS.
- Okay maybe not hideous, but I’m definitely hotter.
- Right?
- *Texts all twenty-three friends confirming that she is indeed hideous.*
- Ugh, she’s one of those people who uses annoying hashtags.
- #boyfriend
- #blessed
- #MCM
- #soulmate
- #gofuckyourself
- Out of wine. Might be time to cut myself off.
- Or switch to soda.
- With vodka.
- Ughhh why do they look so happy together?
- I was supposed to be the one who got into a relationship first and make him realize what an idiot he is.
- I should really stop looking at her pictures.
- 72 weeks in and I’m feeling the danger of the situation.
- Still. I’m already halfway down the stalking road. I might as well keep going.
- On to Facebook.
- Oh, so you have your profile privacy protected? Ha, that’s cute.
- There’s nothing I can’t find, honey.
- Your parents have a golden retriever named Goose, your last boyfriend had a weird nose, and the purpose of your bangs is to disguise your giant forehead?
- Basic. It’s all so basic.
- Whatever, if that’s the type of girl he wants, count me out.
- I would never wear bangs.
- Unless, of course he really likes bangs. Maybe I should get bangs.
- Ugh but seriously, how long until they break up?
- Not that I’m gonna wait around or anything.
- But, you know, if we both happen to be single again at the same time…
- Whatever, I have more important things to care about. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make a hair appointment. .
Nice Move419
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at [email protected].
@JennaLCrowley
