As the Academy Awards just took place this past Sunday, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about a certain Jersey girl turned Oscar winner who is probably the fugliest of fugs, and I’ve decided that perhaps I may have been a little bit too critical of her. There must be a lot of pressure on the nominees to create a perfect speech, during which they are expected to thank “everyone” that helped them earn the accolade, as well as shout out to their “amazing” families and loved ones, all in a matter of 30 seconds. While this doesn’t excuse Hathaway’s horse mouth, I do realize that this is the most prestigious honor in acting, and I understand that it must have been difficult to give a perfect speech to billions of people, in under a minute, in what is more than likely the best moment of your entire life.
I thought, for a brief moment, that all Oscar winners sound like complete pompous assholes when they accept their statuettes, but that was until I did a little reminiscing and came across the best Oscar acceptance speech in history: that of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck when they accepted their award for “Best Original Screenplay” for Good Will Hunting.
First of all, this speech was incredible because the two of them were both vulnerable and cocky at the same time. They didn’t know how to act and didn’t give a fuck. Here they were, these two hotties from Boston who were basically giving everyone else at the Academy a huge “fuck you” while saying thanks.
I don’t remember watching this speech when it happened live, but I think we can all remember what happened after it. Ben Affleck made stupid movies like Pearl Harbor, but he also made all of us swoon. Matt Damon started the Bourne series, and the two became the original Hollywood bromance. I mean, think about it. These two were childhood friends who probably first associated with each other because they were equally good-looking at one point, and then found out they were both some sorts of geniuses. They managed to capitalize on their friendship in a way I think all of us should learn from.
Watching that video today, I think it’s safe to say both men are like fine wines who have only improved with age. Truthfully, I couldn’t find anything about Matt Damon appealing during his Good Will Hunting era. He basically had a bowl cut, and it was pretty obvious he’d never figured out how tailors worked. Benny boy will always have his chiseled good looks. He’s proof that a good jaw line looks good at any age, even if it’s hidden underneath a heinous beard.
Fast forward to today. Ben is married to Jennifer Garner (they’re my fave Hollywood couple), and has three adorable kids. He just won his second Oscar and gave the sweetest, most genuine heartfelt speech of the evening, and I think he may have been the only man with facial hair I’ve ever been attracted to. Matt Damon has safely cemented himself in the “DILF” category, and I couldn’t be more proud of him for it.
Today, while you’re busy worrying that your life may not be headed in the right direction, and you feel that nobody will ever take you seriously because you get irrationally excited and have trouble containing your emotions, just think about the young, gorgeous Matt Damon and Ben Affleck as they accepted their first Oscar together. They had no idea what they were doing, they were jumping around and yelling like idiots, but they still accomplished something absolutely amazing (all while looking devilishly handsome), and I’m pretty sure life has turned out fine for each of them.
And Ben, if you and Jen ever need a babysitter, let me know. I’ll do it even though Violet seems like a real bitch.