THROWBACK THURSDAY: “Totes” Isn’t Cool Any More (And Other Sorority Girl Vices)

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Nice Move

Excessive Abbrevs

I’m not really sure where this started, or why we do it. But by some unfortunate twist of fate, it became such that the sorority vernacular is polluted with an excessive and obnoxious use of abbreviations. I can’t say I’m not guilty, but I find when I’m in the presence of the majority of people, that I am nothing short of humiliated when out of habit, I say something like “Oh my God, you look phenom……..enal. Phenomenal. You look phenomenal.” To be frank, we sound like morons. I don’t blame us, I really don’t. We’re social creatures and it’s our natural instinct to adopt the habits and vocabulary of our environment, but I wish the setter of this awful trend would just stop, or at the very least tone it down. I have no objection to the occasional “legit,” and I’ve developed a strange affinity for “contin” but “totes” is the most horrendous excuse for a word I’ve ever heard. It makes me cringe. It is mildly acceptable when (sparingly) paired with “McGotes,” but even then, it’s still one of the dumber things you could say. Let’s stop this “totes” nonsense. “Totes” isn’t cool, cute, or funny. Neither is “supes,” “adorbs,” “maybs,” or “you’re welcs” while we’re at it. I’m pretty sure texting any of those things to a boy is the fastest way to get him to stop talking to you, and the second best way to perpetuate the “dumb sorority girl” stereotype. The best being…

Pretending to be Dumb.

I don’t get it. No pun intended. But I really don’t. I have never tried to dumb myself down in front of a boy to…what? Try and impress him? It makes no sense yet SO many girls do it and it drives me WILD. I’ll admit there are plenty of things I don’t know about…like microbiology and the history of Dubai…and maybe like one other thing, but guess what…if those are the topics of conversation, it’s just about the only time I’ll shut up. I’m not trying to get my voice all high and annoying and giggle “whhhaaaaat?” It’s not cute. In fact, it’s one of the more irritating things you can do. And everyone (including the boys whose attention you’re pining for) can tell when you’re doing it. If you don’t know about something, ask about it. People worth talking to like educating people. But if you do have something worthwhile to contribute…don’t PRETEND that you’re an idiot. I’m especially bothered by girls who pretend not to understand innuendo. Personally, I’m super comfortable talking about sex but I get that not everyone is. If you’re going to be bashful and feel the need to throw around an “oh stop” when someone makes a joke, then fine. You’re classy. Whatever. But pretending you really don’t get why everyone started laughing when you said “why do these balls have hair on them” is just pointless. By continuing to ask what’s so funny, you’re only prolonging the conversation, and making yourself sound like a fool. The only thing less attractive than being a stupid person is being someone intelligent masquerading as a stupid person.

“I’m fat.”

I’m not saying those words have never crossed my lips. In fact, I often venture to use the word “obese.” But I’m also not saying that I didn’t know that I was absolutely full of shit and fishing for compliments when I said them. I mean, I’ve had days where I feel bloated, or I ate too much or whatever…but they are few and far between, and by no one’s definition would I ever be called “fat.” It’s amazing that as skinny as pretty much everyone I know is, we all do this. And why? Just to be told what you already know? I’ll do it one collective time, and maybe we can all stop this…Honey, that “fat” you’re tugging on your tummy…it’s called skin. Everyone has it. Similarly, I move that we also forego “I’m heinous,” “Nobody loves me,” and “my nail beds suck” because we know damn well that none of those things are true.

Being Overly-Dramatic

Nothing signifies the end of the world quite like a bad hair day. I’m only like 73% kidding. We turn everything into some sort of elaborate production. You got tagged in a picture where God forbid you forgot to do the skinny arm? Commence “I’m gonna kill myself if anyone sees this” comments. Your boyfriend DARED to say that he had fun at some mixer you weren’t at OBVIOUSLY means that he’s cheating on you, thinks you’re boring, and you’re going to die alone; he will be punished for that with an hour-long argument, probably some tears, and he won’t be forgiven until he spends an adequate time convincing you that not only are you hotter than Megan Fox, but he doesn’t even think she’s pretty at all. You accidentally texted a smiley two texts in a row to your potential new love-of-your-life? Well, you’re probably just going to have to transfer because now all of his friends are going to think you’re desperate and you can never show your face around him or any of them ever again. I’m not sure why we act like everything matters so much, when the fact is, none of it really matters at all. Perhaps it’s because we’re self-centered. Literally, you’re the only person who will notice these little things, yet we continue to make sure everyone around us is at least pretending to care that our worlds are about to implode because our hair is an inch shorter than we wanted it to be. I’d love to say it’s something I’m going to work on, but I have this feeling, I’ll continue to believe that the “sun” being the center of the universe is a myth and the actual center of the universe is me.

Mistaking Expensive for Fashionable

It’s really difficult for most of us to determine the exact importance of something being designer. There is definitely a part of me that can relate to “the label is the best part” but when it comes down to it, something doesn’t have to be expensive for it to be cute, and even more importantly, the mere fact that it is a designer label doesn’t make it fashionable. Let’s talk about that dress for a minute…Is it Lilly Pulitzer? Yes. Does that change the fact that it’s tacky and hideous and looks more like a little girl’s Halloween princess costume than it looks like something a grown woman should put on her body? Umm…absolutely not. I’m not saying it’s wrong to have nice things, and plenty of merchandise can instantly become a little bit cuter to me when I find out it was designed by Marc Jacobs, I’m just saying, the designer isn’t the only thing that matters. You can absolutely find cute shades at Target and disgusting shoes at Nordstrom.

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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