Timeline Of The Perfect Darty


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Spring is my favorite season for three reasons: the return of sundresses, sandals, and most importantly, darties. If you have no idea what darties are, I’m sorry your college experience is taking place in such a cold and unforgiving environment. For the rest of us lucky enough to live in a location where the sun starts shining again come mid-March, we know that the weeks following spring break were never intended for finals studying. They were meant for tanks, tans, and a perfect chance to get day drunk whenever you please.

9:00 a.m.: You roll out of bed to sound of someone’s alarm blaring and are faced with the most difficult decision of the darty day. You can either head back to bed and lose your spot on the best frat porches, or you can get out of bed and prep your body for drinking.

9:02 a.m.: Snuggle in bed for a little longer.

9:15 a.m.: Face the second difficult decision of the day. If you’re feeling bold or are interested in possibly getting laid, hop in the shower. Otherwise, dry shampoo that shit up.

9:45 a.m.: Slip into the traditional darty garb: high-waisted shorts, a cropped tank and some (very dirty) white converse. Top it off with a flannel if the temperature is below 60 degrees.

10:00 a.m.: Gather your roommates, down a hearty breakfast of mimosas, leftover wine, and maybe a bagel or something.

10:19 a.m.: Call that one pledge you accidentally made out with during syllabus week and who will now do almost anything for you to come give you a ride.

10:30 a.m.: Arrive at your first darty stop of the day. The best choice is to start at your third least favorite frat and work your way up the ladder. Start the day by shotgunning a beer.

10:46 a.m.: Do a keg stand.

10:47 a.m.: Yell at your friend for taking an ugly, blurry picture of you doing a keg stand.

10:48 a.m.: Do a second keg stand.

11:23 a.m.: Begin the long trek to your next house party.

11:47 a.m.: Arrive at house number 2, take a couple of jello shots and head over to the STD breeding ground of a pool the fraternity has set up in the backyard. Dip your feet in the water (or your whole body if you’re too drunk to realize how gross that is) and coerce the pledges to go get you drinks every fifteen minutes.

12:18 p.m.: Decide the “pool” you’re surrounded is growing enough bacteria to kill a small child and get the fuck out. Nothing ruins a darty season faster than a bad case of mono (or crabs). Hop out of the water and go claim your rightful place on the house’s front porch.

12:20 p.m.: Shoo away from overly drunk, overly eager freshman. They’ll get their chance. Demonstrate what you really learned in college and absolutely dominate a Beer Pong tournament.

1:23 p.m.: Realize the shots were a bad idea, since Darty’s are marathon, not a sprint, and you need to sober up before you can make it to the last house of the day. Order a mid-day pizza.

1:47 p.m.: As soon as the delivery guy arrives, be swarmed by starving college kids looking for a free slice.

1:48 p.m.: Take your friends and pizza and walk far, far away from the house and begin to carb up for your last darty of the day. Order a second pizza because you always forget how much drunk you can eat.

2:34 p.m.: Take your now (slightly more) sober self and arrive at the last, and definitely best, fraternity darty.

2:48 p.m.: Flag down the DJ and command him to play all your songs.

2:54 p.m.: Commandeer the stage/upper porch/tabletops/car hoods/any elevated surface and break out all the great moves that you couldn’t do during GreekSing because they were “too dirty”.

3:27 p.m.: Drunkenly tell your best frat friend you can out chug him.

3:29 p.m.: Be forced to prove that you can out chug him.

3:31 p.m.: Win because you never lie about your ability to consume alcohol.

4:38 p.m.: Be convinced to strip down and ride the slip and slide (dozens of trash bags and hose) set up on the hill. Gather all your friends and slip down together, only to accidentally collide and land in a heap at the bottom of the hill to chants of “KISS. HER. KISS. HER.” from surrounding fraternity members.

4:39 p.m.: Decide against it (or don’t, all up to you) and realize your soaking wet, look disgusting, and need to nap if you have any chance of rallying for the night’s festivities. Gather your things, shot gun a final beer, and make your way out.

5:03 p.m.: Make it back to your apartment and chug water like it’s your job. Then plop onto the couch for a snooze and nap so you head out tonight and still wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

Everything you want in a sister, sorority or biological - funny, hardworking, pretty but not in an super obvious way. Essentially, a funnier Elle Woods who is constantly having a bad hair day. Questions, concerns, videos of dogs and coupons for Thai food can be sent to totalsistermove@gmail.com

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