Tom Brady and Gisele Have a Baby Girl

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Today, the world welcomes what is sure to be the best-looking girl ever created. This morning, quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen announced the birth of their second child and first daughter, Vivian Lake. The baby girl was born Wednesday morning in their Boston home. According to Gisele, “she is healthy and full of life.” Little Viv is now one of three Brady children. The brood also includes her older brother, Benjamin and her half-brother, John.

As much as I’d like to appreciate the miracle of life and whatnot, I really just can’t stop focusing my attention on the fact that this is the most unfair situation ever. This little girl will obviously grow up super rich because her dad is a three-time Super Bowl Champion and two-time Super Bowl MVP (which I guess is good) and her mom is duh…Gisele. More importantly, there is no doubt in my mind that she will be the most beautiful human being on the entire planet. I don’t know exactly what this “football” concept that her father’s involved in entails, but he is absolutely gorgeous. Her mother is the most famous supermodel of our generation. Gisele’s body is so perfect that she didn’t even announce she was pregnant. People didn’t figure it out until she showed up somewhere in a bikini this summer and they noticed the slight protrusion from her stomach, visible only from the side.

Needless to say, I am beyond jealous of this little Vivian, who will undoubtedly inherit her mother’s metabolism, full lips, and perfect jawline, her father’s athletic ability, the perfect combination of their noses, and what is bound to be the best hair on the planet. I can’t even fathom how perfect this little girl’s life is going to be. She will probably take her first steps on a runway in a pair of custom Giuseppe Ziannotti pumps, and will be on the cover of Vogue before she says her first words. That bitch. Also, what if Kate has a little boy? I’m sure he’ll be infatuated with the bombshell from across the pond, and Vivian will spend her teenage years being courted by royalty.

Congratulations, Vivian Lake Brady, on your arrival into a perfect, little world. And congratulations to Tom and Gisele, I suppose, because I’m sure having a daughter is just the icing on the cake to your already perfect, beautiful lives.

Before you start to get too jealous of Gisele, however, just remember this: while she may have exhibited the ability to bounce back to her pre-baby body, looking better than ever, there’s a part of her none of us can see that will never, ever be the same again after a second child.

Think about it.

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