Top 5 Reasons Why Lindsay Lohan Makes the Rest of Us Look Good

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In this economy, life as we know it can be unpredictable. That’s why it’s important to thank Lindsay Lohan for being consistent and continuing to crash her car into anything the roadway can muster up. She is an expert at partying and very similar to that one friend you keep around simply to make yourself feel better. Here are the top five reasons Lindsay Lohan makes us all feel better about ourselves:

5. Paris Hilton called her a “firecrotch”
So technically this isn’t something Lilo did, but was the recipient of. Either way you still aren’t firecrotch. Way back in 2006, Ms. Hilton hurled this slur at Linds and quite frankly it makes the list because “firecrotch” is a word that is jonesing for a strong comeback within the vernacular of everyone. After being publically being labeled a firecrotch, Lilo made no follow-up PR statement regarding the actual fire of her crotch. Well-played, Lohan. We thank you.

4. She’s a chain-smoker
Health? Pshh. What is that? Air is so over-rated these days and Linds knows it. She has had severe asthma since she was 2, has the word “breathe” tattooed on her wrist, and smokes like a chimney on Christmas Eve. Badass. Lindsay blatantly ignores the fact that one’s lungs may in fact need oxygen and is like “Hey, let me bum a Marlboro Red you betch” So cool. Your casual drunken cig with that frat guy is totally kosher in comparison.

3. Became a lesbian
Okay, I mean so have you…that one time…but whatever. Do you remember when our little Lohan ran out of men in Hollywood and woke up one day a lesbian? Lilo threw in the towel on the male population and basically declared that liking women (in particular the classically unattractive DJ Sam Ronson) was hip and trendy for 2008. When asked if she was bisexual in a 2010 Harper’s Bazaar interview, Lindsay coolly responded: “Maybe. Yeah. I don’t want to classify myself.” Umm cool? Her noncommittal attitude towards her sexuality makes your one time lesbionic makeout with your big total child’s play.

2. Starred in The Parent Trap
“Let me see…I know how to fence and you don’t?…Or I have class and you don’t? Take your pick.” Yes, this is the coolest line that Lindsay has ever been able to utter and unfortunately for her now, she has neither the fencing nor the class on her side. Okay so technically this doesn’t particularly make the rest of us look good but it does give us all a wholesome version of Lilo to track just how far from grace she has actually fallen. Thank your lucky stars that you don’t have a 1998 Disney hit that serves the same purpose.

1. Deveoloped a brief eating disorder with Nicole Richie
Nicole’s eating disorder was WAY more severe and longer-lasting but Lilo scores some points for being a really good friend and going ano with Ms. Richie. Misery loves company and boy is Linds good company. Back in 2006, Nicole was fresh out of Paris Hilton’s famewhore shadow and gaining her own public persona. Although Nicole’s fame was due in large to mass paparazzi coverage of her ever-shrinking frame and DUI charge, Lindsay was a firm believer that no soldier be left behind. Lilo quickly whittled her way down to skin and bones. What a good friend! Now you no longer need to feel bad about that small little faux bout of bulimia you had in order to garner attention. Like Lilo, you were just being a good friend.

So there you have it. If you have one of those rare form nights every night, don’t even worry; you still have it more together than Lindsay Lohan ever will. Exchange your guilt from last night and turn it into judgment for our little Sugartits Lohan. Before you begin hating yourself and declare, “I am never drinking again” ask yourself if you too can claim the title of socially-anorexic-smoking-firecrotch-lesbian-actress? If the answer is yes, than by all means let the self-loathing marathon begin. Otherwise, go ahead and pat yourself on the back, skip class, and nurse your hangover like a proper betch who still has a future.

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  1. 2
    F Scott Fratsgerald

    5. Firecrotch will come back when fetch happens.
    4. Smoking makes you lose weight and I (aka all normal guys) personally prefer a skinny women.
    3. That’s hot
    2. Classic movie. Maybe try watching it and then go watch Space Jam since you obviously had no childhood
    1. You’re just jealous that her eating disorder actually worked. Enjoy the Golden Corral

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      BowsnBrowning

      I was wondering the same… Only five reasons, and two of them aren’t even applicable? This is stupid. Could have been a funny story, but it has just ended up screaming “I’m a try-hard”

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago
  2. -2
    SratHardChiO

    How sad is your life that you need to justify that you’re fine because you’re doing better than a coke whore? How is this not a Fail Friday column?

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 2 years ago