Top Places To Find an Eligible Suitor, Based on Age


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Nice Move


I’ve been single and rejecting guys for about a year and a half now. I’m not picky. I’m thorough. I don’t have impossible standards. I know what I want. I’m not close-minded. I’ve dated enough to know who/what to stay away from.

Through my year and a half of limited romantic interaction with the male race, I have collected in-depth research, analyzed qualitative data, and investigated every place within a 60 mile radius to come to know when and where I could meet potential, eligible suitors. Through my extensive research fueled by my immeasurable, desperate desire to be loved and wanted, I have found the top three places where young, smart, well-rounded females can find an eligible, worthy boyfriend. To make it easier on you, I have sectioned this in to age-restrictive categories so you know where you should be looking.

Post Grad: Panera Bread

Panera Bread is where you go if you are post grad and single. The men you find in Panera are willing to pay the full amount for an overpriced salad and panini combination, which automatically means they have their lives together. They are usually sitting alone on their Macbook, earphones in, wearing a subtle, yet sophisticated button down shirt. If you see this man, buy him a bagel. Write your number on the napkin. Stalk from 15-20 feet away. Repeat.

Junior/Senior Undergrad: Barnes & Noble

Barnes & Noble is where you go if you are a junior/senior and single. Not all men found in Barnes & Noble are eligible, so be very careful. This is where my research had control group problems. I initially thought every man interested in literature had to be a good catch. This is a trap. There are two categories of books Prince Charming should be looking for. The first category is sports. I know what you’re thinking, “aren’t guys who are obsessed with sports kind of douchey?” This is a hypothesis that was proven to be false. If a man is reading sports book, it is because he wants to read and learn about a failure or setback that someone overcame to be successful. The second category is business. Like sports books, if a man is reading a business book, he wants to better himself for his future. He wants to learn from other people’s endeavors. Now, the categories to stay away from: fantasy, romance, comics. I don’t think I need to explain why.

Freshman/Sophomore Undergrad: Chick-Fil-A

These guys are trying. Bless their hearts. They are still young and still trying to live fast, but they understand the importance of choosing the better options (chicken sandwiches over Big Macs). They are still a little immature and can’t really afford anything but that chicken sandwich, but, they will share their nuggets with you if you stare at them long enough while you’re eating together. They know that sharing is caring. Which is the premise of most relationships. If you are balling on a budget, want to have fun with a young but decently okay guy, live in Chick-Fil-A. Hide in the play place if you have to until you find the one, then live happily ever after.

All these places have been scientifically proven to harbor the man of your dreams. You are one croissant, magazine subscription, or large waffle fry away from finding your happily ever after. Dream big, at locations nearest you.

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